knock knock it’s your second year

I am anxious as I think about what is in store for me this school year.

A lot has changed: not just internally within but externally around me. I no longer live in the dorm; I share a house with 3 other housemates that are older than me. I don’t have any family down here, and all my friends are by the campus while I live 20 mins away.

I work at a coffee shop now and got certified again as a barista. I also have a boyfriend now. Someone I had grown to love over time and still continue to love him a little more each day. I am happy with him.

But I am scared.

Things seem to always find a way to fall apart in my life or so it would seem. There are a lot of things I have to juggle this school year: education, work, internship, and a relationship. I’m scared that I won’t have enough time to do all of them to the point that I can do them well.

But despite having these fears and worries, I think I will make it through.

And that’s all I need to believe in to know that I will be okay and continue to be okay.

Advertisements

the black and white (and gray) of love

For me, love is like action potential: it’s all or nothing.

It’s either I love you or I don’t.

For the past two years, I’ve been describing my experience with love this way, but it didn’t occur to me until tonight that it hasn’t always been this way. The younger me will probably tell you all about the crushes I had. I mean for god sake there was a boy I was “in love” with for four years.

To the younger me, that was love. To the current me, it was nothing more but a silly crush that lasted longer than it should have. But just because it isn’t love to me now doesn’t mean it wasn’t love at one point. I wonder if the definition of love changes as we get older and as we experience more of what life has to offer.

A part of me feels like I constantly try to define what “love” is in order to make sense of it all. It’s a defense mechanism almost. Whatever and whoever doesn’t fit my definition of love is filtered out. I don’t want to waste my time nor my emotion. It is only when I find someone that makes me feel a particular way, a way that resonates with my definition of “feeling love”, that I truly start investing. But then there’s that defense mechanism again. I tell myself that love for me is like action potential. So if I can’t see myself loving them years from now, if I can’t see myself loving them every second of the day, if I can’t see myself being overwhelmed by the feeling of love then it isn’t love. It can’t be love.

I won’t let it be love.

In order to protect myself from any potential heartbreak and disappointment, I purposely limit myself to knowing one type of love. I only allow myself to practice and to seek unconditional love. Maybe it’s because it’s something I don’t have but wishes to have.

While this is not bad thing, I start to wonder to myself whether or not I’m missing out.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to not like someone so much but then grow to love them with all my heart. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to date where love isn’t the main goal or main focus. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just be with someone and walk through life together, knowing that we will part ways shortly and be happy that we had each other by our side during the journey.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just live.

But maybe I’m not missing out on anything either. Maybe I got here today, because I already knew what it was like. Maybe I think this way, because it’s not wrong to be idealistic and to have standards. Maybe I’m just overthinking it again like I always do, but I know one thing for sure.

I don’t go out seeking love because the love I seek is so rare to come by that it must be developed with special care. One wrong move, and it wouldn’t be there.

But then again, maybe my action of deciding so early that something isn’t love has been and will continue to be a force that causes me to miss out on opportunities to foster something meaningful. But even if that is true, if something that could have been meaningful can disappear so easily, maybe it was never meant to be.

So here I go again with my idealistic view of love.

I wonder if I will still feel the same a year from now.

Maybe it’ll change.

Who knows.

 

Yes, I can’t understand you

What does “understanding” mean to me? What does it mean to understand?

I used to be an avid tumblr user, but luckily I stopped going on there about 2 years ago. It became a toxic place for me. One of the things that stuck with me the most was the disagreement that came with the usage of the word, understand.

You see, people on tumblr said you can never fully understand someone 100%. Therefore, to use the words “I understand you” is simply an insult and a way to belittle and to generalize another’s pain. They want you to be more socially aware and use the phrase “I can relate to you” instead.

For years, I’ve been using the phrase “I can relate” or “I can see where you are coming from”, but I’ve had enough. It’s not that I care less about how people feel. It’s just that I begin to wonder at what point does it become an issue of over-sensitivity? At what point does other people put their emotions and well-being in the hands of other’s? I know I’m not an insensitive person. I try my best not to be, but how much am I really at fault for upsetting someone?

After spending time with my spiritual life coach, I learn that you can’t feel emotions you already don’t feel. I know that not everyone will agree with this, but it makes sense to me. I get frustrated at people, because there’s already frustration inside of me from who knows what. Things upset me because I’m already upset and because I’m just projecting that previous sadness onto somewhere else. If this is the case for me, then is this the case for others too?

Maybe I can’t make someone feel emotions they don’t want to feel or already feel. Maybe we, as humans, don’t have that much control over people than we think we do. Maybe we’re just so used to giving our powers away to people that we believe we have no choice but to respond and to feel in a particular way. Maybe that’s all there is to it. Maybe we need to start taking responsibilities for how we feel instead of pushing that onto others.

Maybe it’s time for us to take control of our lives again.

And with that said, I can’t possibly understand how you feel. I can never understand with 100% certainty that what you feel is what I feel.

Because the truth is, we’re different people. I will never be able to be under the same exact circumstances where the people involved think and behave 100% like the way the people in your situation did. It is simply impossible. We can get close to it and try to understand what it was like to feel those emotions, but we can’t ever fully understand what each other felt.

And maybe we don’t need to.

Maybe pain is just pain. Maybe frustration is just frustration. Maybe all the emotions each and everyone of us feel are universal, and yes this is a trick question, because I know it is. We’re all humans at the very core. We all share similarities and differences; it is what makes us unique but still human at the same time.

Maybe being human is all there is to it. I don’t need to be able to understand 100% what exactly you’ve been through to know that you deserve better. I don’t need to experience it to know that you deserve to be loved and to have people that will cherish and support you. I don’t need to be just as broken or more to know that what you are feeling is real and painful. I just need to try.

I just need to try to understand and be willing to understand just what it is you want me to understand. I don’t need to walk through fire and go through hell. Maybe all I need to do is be a human. Not the stereotypical cruel and selfish human, but a human with the capacity to feel basic emotions.

Maybe we need to just stop putting a wall up and pushing people away on the basis that they might never understand what it was like for us. Maybe we need to just stop creating a divide between each other. Maybe we just need to recognize that at the very core, we are more similar than we think we are, and maybe just maybe that’s enough.

And sometimes I wonder maybe we choose to be ignorant, maybe we choose to push people away, and maybe we choose to not let anyone try to understand because we are scared of what it means for them to try.

Maybe we’re all just scared for someone to hug us, to support us, to care for us, and to love us in the moments we believe we do not deserve anything at all.

And maybe just maybe, it is that fear of understanding that continues to hold us back.

A Sleepless Night and an Epiphany

A few days ago, I gave my friend some advice on this guy she likes:

All im thinking right now is that if he is fearful of rejection, I wonder if that is just the normal fear of rejection or if there’s more to it. Like past influence? Things in life that made him who he is today. Because all of us go through stuff that shape who we are today. With regards to our past, some of us forget it, some of us ignore it, some of us remember it, and some of us are still stuck in it.

I can still feel myself in that moment, talking about my experience. I can feel myself almost venting about what I’ve gone through.

Be honest with him, ask him how he feels, and let him know that it wasn’t easy telling him how you feel. this requires a lot of vulnerability, and it may mean that you may get more hurt. But sometimes, someone has to be more vulnerable first. And if he ain’t willing to be that vulnerable, it says more about him than you.

But it wasn’t until this message that I finally realized that it is time to take my own advice.

I’ve felt so angry at myself for the past few months. I’ve felt like a horrible person for not understanding where he was coming from all the time. I’ve felt like I was just not good enough for him and never good enough for anybody. Little did I know, that wasn’t true.

You see there are so many things that we may blame ourselves for that have little to do with us. I mean come on, if we, ourselves, project our problems and feelings onto others, what’s to say they won’t do that to us? Maybe it wasn’t our fault after all, and maybe it was never our fault to begin with. Maybe it’s just another person struggling with their own emotions and problems while they try to navigate through their life.

And that is okay. That is perfectly okay. But we don’t have to stay with them through it all. We are not obligated to stay with them even if we are together with them. Yes, when things get rough, you should ride it out, but at what point does it become just another thing to do? At what point does it become another thing to put up with? A relationship shouldn’t be like that, and that goes for both platonic and romantic ones.

We shouldn’t ever feel like we are limited or bounded just because we are in a relationship. It shouldn’t feel like balls and chains. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life not cause you to be more stressed and more emotionally drained. Yet at the same time, relationships aren’t easy. It wasn’t meant to be easy.

But it’s your choice whether or not you want to stick it out or if you want to leave, and it’s just as much of a choice for them to decide that as well. And whatever you decide and whatever they decide, it’s out of each other control.

In the end, what they do says more about themselves, and what you do says more about yourself.

So stop blaming others and stop blaming yourself. It’s only going to cause you more pain.

And I’ve had so unfortunately caused myself so much pain

 

 

Status

7.25.17 | 02:22

People will believe what they want to believe. That is just a part of human nature. You can lay all the evidences out in front of them, and they can still accuse you in heartbeat. They think they are so powerful in these situations. They think they have the upper-hand, but contraire I hold the power in the end. I won’t give them my reasons, and I won’t let them have the choice to choose whether or not to believe me. I won’t let them know my story if they never bother to ask. I will let them live in ignorance. I will let them go down their life without knowing the truth even if they wanted to. Because nothing is more powerful than knowledge. And that is exactly what I’ll deprive them of.

10 advice to my 1st year self

Hello! This is the Jenice from future in case that time ever turns back and you find yourself having to start college again, which is somewhat possible right? Who knows maybe we’ll have that kind of technology one day. But just in case this happens, I have some advice for you, so listen well!

Advice one

People are trash. No literally. There are going to be people in college that are worse than high school, especially now that they are away from their parent’s grip. You have to keep in mind that you’re coming into college with people your age that you just gone to high school with. Don’t expect people to just do an 180 and become mature, because that’s not going to happen. Even fourth years can still be just as immature as a first year. People are also going to come and go if you don’t keep in touch with them or form some sort of bond. There are, of course, people who will use you to their own advantage such as asking you for notes, study guides, “help”, answers, etc all the time. And guess what when the course is done? POOF! They disappear. That’s right. They don’t give a shit other than to get a good grade. The good news is that there are also good people. People who genuinely loves you, cares about you, and wants to be friends with you. College will go by so fast; people who don’t care are just going to leave, because truth be told, nobody got time being friends with someone that they don’t like.

TL;DR : Don’t make assumptions about people in college, because there’s a high chance that you will be wrong!

Advice Two

Put yourself out there. When people say that college is what you make of it, they weren’t joking. If there is something you always wanted to try, try it out whether that’s drinking, partying, doing drugs, rushing greek life, dating, one-night stand, hooking up, etc. College is a time for you to have fun and to try new things. Of course you shouldn’t feel compelled to try new things just because the people around you are doing it especially when they’re trying to get you to do it. Remember that you always have a choice to choose what you want. Personally, I’m not one for one-night stand because I prefer making love over fucking. I need the emotional intimacy to be there first, but hey that might be something other people prefer more. That’s perfectly okay, but like I said, just make sure you’re not doing it because others want you to do it. Do it because you want to do it.

TL;DR : Try new things!

Advice Three

Don’t ask me about dating, because I’m just a clueless potato that nobody is interested in and because I’m also dense as hell to the point that even if someone did like me, they probably stopped because I end up friend zoning them without realizing it . – .

Advice Four

It’s okay to ask for help! I cannot stress this enough.

For the longest time, I thought I had to go through everything alone because I don’t want to burden others, but now I realize the importance of having a balance. Emotional intimacy is what makes a bond stronger, and that can be said about every relationships. Sometimes, I feel like I fall victim to depending on my friends too much for my emotional health, and that can be disastrous too.

Relationship is supposed to improve your life. It’s supposed to help you growth, not set you back and stress you out. I don’t want my friends to do that to me, and I don’t want to do that to them either. That’s why it’s so important to have a good balance.

TL;DR : “Give space, take space”

Advice Five

I swear I had more advice, and I swear I thought I was gonna start and finish this weeks ago. I’ve been too busy relaxing and taking time off for myself either it’s to meet up with friends, family, or just having some alone time. I guess this would be the time to transition into the advice.

Remember to have fun and listen to yourself! You know yourself best, and you know what you need the most in the moment. If you feel the need to get the hell out of a hangout with a friend, do it. Don’t feel guilty or bad for it. Just let them know that you aren’t feeling well and want some time alone. Reschedule with them on the spot if you want to, but just listen to yourself and your own needs.

If those friends of yours don’t understand that, can you really call them your friends? Because there’s something I also learned the hard way: just because you’re afraid to hurt someone you care about and refuse to do so, it doesn’t mean those people will feel and do the same. When it comes down to it, humans are selfish, but that selfishness doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.

But I also voice my concern regarding this before. I don’t like to call it “selfishness.” I like to call it “assertiveness.” Knowing what you what and doing things to get what you want is being assertive, and it is taking control over your life. If you need some time for yourself and you do that, you’re being assertive. You’re not being selfish.

People just throw around the word selfishness to hurt people and to guilt-trip them into thinking that they aren’t worthy enough to do decide what they need in their life.

TL;DR : Listen to yourself! Do what you need to do.

Advice Six

There is such a thing called over-sensitivity, and people need to stop putting their power in others and blaming people for their own emotions.

Advice Seven

You don’t need to forgive anyone but yourself. If there’s anybody you need to forgive in life, it is yourself. Not others. If someone has done you wrong and treated you like shit, you don’t need to forgive them even if they are your family members, your closest friends, or your significant others.

Advice Eight

The faculty may or may not be one of the most shittiest people you meet in life. They might care about you and your education, and they might care more about going home at the end of their hours. It’s frustrating, but it’s also just the way things are in the real world too.

There are going to be people who care about your well-being and those who thinks whatever you tell them is just a boat full of lies. That’s something we just can’t control. Some people will like you, some people will love you, some people will dislike you, and some people will try to murder you (or maybe not).

My point is although you are entitle to being treated like a human being and although you have your basic human rights written down in a legal document that doesn’t mean people will follow it. And in those moments, you need to remember that panicking will only make it worse. Ground yourself and think about what to do from there on.

TL;DR : You don’t need everyone to like you to be successful in life.

Advice Nine

People are gonna have different views. Respect that. I think that’s simple enough.

Advice Ten

Numbers are just numbers in the end. They do not limit you. You limit yourself through the brainwashing of society. There are so many things you are capable of doing, and as soon as you stop seeing everything in such a linear way, you will set yourself free. And when you set yourself free, you will realize the only thing that can truly limit you is you.