If you could read my mind

If you could read my mind, maybe for once in my life, I will have someone that can understand just what it is that drives me insane

If you could read my mind, maybe then you’ll realize just how vulnerable and how scared I am of the things that may come true and of things that may never come true

If you could read my mind, maybe you’ll see why I get so sensitive

If you could read my mind, maybe this wouldn’t be so vague

But truth be told, if you could read my mind, I don’t think you’ll like what you’ll find

It’s a dark place where happiness exist as a rare commodity

It’s a lonely place where the only form of “self-love” is self-harm

And if you could read my mind, maybe you’ll start to understand why

Why loving you is slowly eating me alive

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Status

11.21.17 |23:58

There isn’t enough words in the dictionary to describe him

His smile can light up your world and his laughter can fill your heart

There isn’t enough love in the world that could match the love that he gives

Because love is special and he knows exactly how to make you feel special

“There isn’t enough ____ and there will never be enough ____”

But somehow in your heart you know that as long as you have him

it is enough

he is enough

and you are enough

 

My 20th Birthday

I smack my lips softly as I blink a few times before rubbing my eyes. A small moan escapes me as I stretch from side to side in my bed. My eyes trail off to my computer.

I see your messages. You tell me to go downstairs when I have a chance to. I cover my mouth in disbelief, “no way…you didn’t. no don’t tell me you got me something…” Tears start to build up in the corner of my eyes. I run downstairs to grab the package. I open it, and there it is: the pusheen that I wanted.

I start to cry. No one has ever done this for me. I hug the pusheen and cuddle it, hoping that maybe you’ll feel just how happy I am and how much I will treasure it. I laugh to myself before telling you that I’m going to name it JoJo. Short for your name of course.

I knew in that moment that I will remember this moment forever.


Two days ago, I had one of the best day of my life.

The night before, the 18th, was really hard. Every year my birthday reminds me of all the hardships I had gone through and the hardships that have yet to come. It has never been easy for me to imagine a life where pain and suffering isn’t a daily occurrence. I feel as if all my life I have been running away, and for the first time in my life I stopped to look back.

And what I saw was a life full of pain and suffering, but it was also a life full of happiness and little moments. And I don’t think I would have ever realize just how much more is in store for me without having my friends there for me.

Although life has been really hard for me, I’m starting to see all the good things that may happen. All the things I still want to experience before I die. And I would be lying if I said that I can’t help but smile every time I see JoJo. He just puts a smile on my face so effortlessly. Maybe it’s just the fact that he’s so freaking cute or maybe it’s the fact that the person who send it to me means so much to me.


I don’t even know where to begin.

He just a very special person in my heart.

Sometimes it’s a bit scary because I don’t like feeling so close to someone or having someone so close to my heart. I guess I’m afraid that I’m just going to lose them or going to mess things up to the point that we will never talk. Sometimes those insecurities get the best of me and I can’t help but just distance myself.

I know there are times where I cry because I’m so scared that all those things may actually come true. And sometimes it’s even more scary to be told that it’s not going to happen. It’s scary to be reassured and to trust in that reassurance.

But despite of all my fears, I continue to move forward. And there isn’t a day that I regret not doing so. My 20th birthday may have been my special day, but deep down inside, I feel like this birthday was really our special day because I can’t possibly think of having such a good time without him.

So if you’re reading this right now…

Thank you.

You’re the best ♡

Status

11.2.17 | 01:08

i miss you

delete delete delete delete delete 

delete delete delete delete delete 

i hope

delete delete delete delete delete delete 

i’m sorry

delete delete delete delete delete 

delete delete delete delete

hey

delete delete delete

I don’t even know why I’m writing this to you right now, and I really don’t understand why I do this to myself. I wish I can express to you how I truly feel, and it hurts because I used to be able to tell you everything but now I can’t say a thing. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I wish things could just be simple again, but it won’t. What do I do? What can I do? The answers are all sitting in front of me, loud and clear, yet I feel frozen, stuck in time, stuck in reality, stuck in my mind.

I just wish I could tell you that I

click, drag, delete

“How are you feeling? Are you doing aright?”

                                                       -Jenice 1:39am

 

to leave and to stay

life really boils down to a few moments.

some people aren’t meant to stay.

some people only stay in our memories, floating aimlessly, making us wonder why they exist in the first place.

some people leave.

and to me that is something that i’ll never get used to. don’t get me wrong, i love it. because when people leave, they leave behind traces of them, sometimes more visible than we think. but you see when people leave, you don’t know when they are coming back or if they are coming back at all.

when people leave they take pieces of you with them. pieces that you might never see again, or maybe you will but just in another person. and maybe that person only acquired that piece from someone who was once involved with you or even someone who was once involved with the person that was involved with you. you won’t know and there is no way to know.

when people leave they are neither happy or sad because leaving is never easy. it’s a lot of denial mixed with both pleasure and disappointment. it’s a lot of recognizing that you can have more without always having to know if what you have now is enough.

when people leave they make a gamble, a risky one too. you can’t just write out the pros and cons. the future is uncertain and anything can happen for better and for worse.

sometimes when people leave they realize they wanted to stay

but when people stay they forget what it’s like to leave. when people stay they forget that they, themselves, have a choice. they forget that maybe things don’t have to last forever for it to mean something. that you can enjoy the moments spent together and still look forward to the moments that have yet to come.

when people stay they cling on to the hope that everything will be the same but it’s not and it won’t be because nothing will ever be the same. life is always going to be ever-changing. those around you will also change whether you are ready or not. the world will not stop for you and it will definitely not stop for those around you.

when people stay they over-estimate their ability and under-estimate their needs. sometimes you need to put yourself first and be by yourself, alone, individually. you know, that solo life where you make decisions that empower you.

but sometimes when people stay things will get better. people are gonna be happy again. life will go back to the way it has always been. and when that happens it’s great

but you need to ask yourself if you need to stay to wait for things to get better. you need to ask yourself why can’t you leave? why is leaving a lesser option? why is leaving such a negative thing when others have no trouble doing so?

sometimes leaving and staying is less about pleasure or pain but more about empowerment.

sometimes leaving and staying is about the choices you make in those little moments that will close but at the same time open doors to new opportunities, new people, and new experiences.

so why stay?

why stay when they have so desperately wanted to leave…