The Pain of Holding Back

I miss us. I miss everything about us. I never exactly planned on leaving forever, but I know I just needed this break for myself. You were okay with it, or so I thought. But only two days later, you messaged me again and we talked for four hours, which left like just a blink of an eye. Towards the end when you brought up to talk tomorrow, I shut the idea down. I knew you were upset by how cold I was being, but can you blame me?

You didn’t want anything more than a friendship, yet you still treat me like I’m more. You’re driving me into the corner with your flirting, yet you expect me to understand that there was nothing more between us. For fuck sakes, I told you I was in love with you. I told you how I never felt this way about somebody and how I never wanted somebody so much in my life. Yes, there’s the distance, but that doesn’t matter to me. I just want you. I want to fly over to see you and do all the things we planned to do, and I know you want that to happen too. You talk about it all the time like it’s going to be something huge. The final reveal sort of thing.

I really value what we have together. That’s why I needed to take a break in order to not let these feelings get in the way. If loving you meant that I’m going to destroy this friendship, then I’m going to love you from a distance. But it’s so hard when you told me that you couldn’t just let things be- that you want to keep talking because you’re scared that the distance will cause us to drift apart forever. And I’m scared too, probably more than you are, so I caved in. I gave in to what you wanted and now I’m lost again.

I’m getting lost in you. I love the way you chuckles. I love the way you’re taken back by my remarks and the way you stubbornly tell me to “shaddup”. I love the way you can just go on about the things you like without realizing that you do it. I love the way you think and the way you slowly let me in. I love you for everything you are and everything you’re not, and I feel like I can love you forever.

Maybe love is too strong of a word here to be used romantically, but I still don’t really know how I really feel. I know platonically, I love you with all my heart. But I just feel like everything gets a bit too much for me. You want to think things through and weigh out the pros and cons about us, and that’s great for you.

However, I feel sorry for you that you think there are more cons than pros. I’m really sorry that these cons are holding you back. If you think that it is best for us to just stay friend, then please live by that. You are not allow to be upset at me when you find out that I’m going out on dates with guys. You are not allow to tell me who I can talk to and who I want to meet. You have no place and no authority to tell me any of that.

Sometimes, I feel like you’re insecure. That even if something official happened between us, you won’t trust me. You’ll think I’m out with some other people and want to spend time with them more or whatnot. And I know why you would feel that way; it’s because it’s something you would do or you have done in the past. But I’m not like that. Please stop looking at me like I’m a reflection of your own insecurities. Because I’m not.

I’m not your insecurities. If anything, I’m my own insecurities. So let your insecurities hold you back if that’s what you wish. I’ll just try my best to hold back all these feelings and try my best to meet new people. And if that destroys you to see me act that way then all I can say to you is “that’s what you wanted.” I can’t give you sympathy. I can’t give you empathy. I can’t give you any affections for hurting me with what you thought you wanted.

So yeah I realized it’s not easy for the both of us to be holding back. I want to just scream at your face and tell you to just take a leap of faith. Why not just stop holding back and see where it takes us and just let it grow into something bigger? You can try to repress it all you want, but at one point, it’ll become too much for us to handle. What then? Do we just end it all or do we just change something up? So far, all we’ve been doing is going back to square one, letting it build up, and going back to square one. It’s just a never-ending cycle of confusion. And that hurts. I’m forever living in this state of what ifs. What if one day, you change your mind and tell me what you really want? What if one day, we do end up together? What if one day because of what you chose, we never talk again? Are you okay with that? Because I’m not.

And I get it. In the beginning, I was so against my friends dating because I felt like they both weren’t ready for it. I felt like they should take some time before jumping into it. When I asked her why rush it, she said it’s because nothing is forever. Although it’s nice to believe in that “what will be will be”, sometimes, you just have to go for it. Because life is so short. We should enjoy it while we can even if the future might not end up as great as we wanted it to be.

The more and more this continues to keep up, I feel like I’m just going more crazy. I just start to get tired of it, but I don’t love you any less of it. Rather, I feel more depressed and more defeated. I feel like no matter how much I love you, it will never be enough for you to realize and enough for you to appreciate. Maybe that’s just what I get for giving you my love. And maybe just maybe, this is just the pain of holding back when you love someone so much.




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