The Numbing Pain

I don’t know what kind of pain I like better; the ones that numbs you or the one that tears you apart. To me, they both seem so appealing and so fitting for someone like me. Maybe I’m just addicted to pain, or maybe I’m just addicted to the feeling of worthlessness. Sometime it’s just easier to crawl back into your shell and beat yourself up for everything you did and for everything you didn’t do. But sometime, it’s much more effortless to just speak your heart out. I just want to pour everything out without having to worry about holding back anything.

I want to scream to the whole world that I love you, but how much of this is really love? I never doubted myself until you repeatedly drilled into my head that maybe what I feel isn’t real. Then what is real? If these feelings aren’t real, is anything real? How can I possibly believe that what I feel for you isn’t real when I feel it so intensely? I do feel like it’s surreal. That I never thought it could be possible to love someone so much. Maybe that’s just something you will never understand.

You might think I love easily, but I don’t. I love carefully. I don’t even let myself into my own heart while I’m trying to let you into mine every single day. But it’s also tiring. It’s tiring to listen as you dissect both my feelings and I apart as if they were both meant to be examined for illnesses. There is nothing wrong here or rather, the only thing wrong is you. Do I scare you? Do I repel you? Are my feelings for you just too much to stomach? Because if that’s the case, then don’t be scared. I’m here. You know that. I’m here.

The only times I’m not here is when you push me away- when you purposely put distance between us because everything is too much. I can love you, but I can’t love yourself for you. Hell, I don’t even know how to love myself back. I’m being as understanding and as loving as I can be. Sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I never want my love for you to be just “enough”. What does having enough mean?

Don’t you want someone who will love you till the end of time? Someone whose feelings for you will never change because that’s just how strongly they feel about you? And it’s not irrational. Don’t you ever call my love irrational. I have chose to love you because I wanted to love you. Don’t ever dare think this was a random selection or a desperate decision because it’s not. If you only give me the chance, I can tell you why I love you. I can tell you all the things you do that makes me smile and all the things you don’t do that still makes me smile and still makes me feel grateful.

But will I ever get the chance to tell you? You’re getting further and further away from me every day. I’m starting to feel numb. I still feel happiness when I’m with other people, but with every second of you gone, I’m slowly forgetting how to be happy with you. Why do you have to act so cold and so distant? Why can’t you just understand that all I ever wanted was for you to speak to me and to be with me. I don’t want to think of you and feel numb. I want to feel something more than that. I want you to feel something more than that. Is that all too much to ask?

I feel really numb. If you aren’t feeling this, if you don’t plan on ever returning my feelings, if this is all there is ever going to be, then break my heart now. Tear me apart because this numbness is already killing me.




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