A for Alice

People always talk about “finding yourself” – about how we should take the time to find ourselves. What the fuck does that supposed to even mean? I feel like I’ve been lost for my entire life, always searching for a way out and always searching for the meaning of my existence. Maybe I should just change my name to Alice. You know, Alice, from Alice in the Wonderland.

She’s lost. She’s in a place that she doesn’t know. Everything is just so crazy and so disorientated in Wonderland. Just when you think you understand a bit of something, you realize just how little you know and how little you are. I mean, isn’t that why Alice drank the potions? There is an interpretation out there that claims the potions are drugs and that Alice have a drug addiction. Sure, that could be true, but I never really settle for that interpretation alone. Rather, I see the potions as a way for her to escape and a way for her to fit in in this world that is otherwise so limiting and so confusing.

You have to be fit into this standard, this model, and this system of how things should be. If you stand out too much, you’re looked at differently. Sure, there are many different kinds of people out there, but have you ever noticed how people appear to be “normal” at first? They don’t exactly let you in or be the silly, weird, unique, and wonderful person that they are. And don’t you ever just wonder why this happen?

It has to be that we’re all just afraid to be different from the norm- that even if we try to break out of it, we are still reserved and hesitant due to the fear of people forming bad impressions of us or the fear of people disliking us. So I still don’t understand how to find myself. I don’t understand what it means to find myself when I’m surrounded by a sea of people who don’t even know who they are and what they really stand for.

But you know what happens when I try to find myself? I find all the things that I’m not. I find the things I’m dissatisfied about myself and about my life. Although it is a part of me, it’s so hard to take that extra step to change my habits, my behavior, and my thinking process. And then to stick with it and not give up half way.

I wonder what will happen once I find myself. Will I be more assertive about my needs? Will I love myself more for the things that I am, for the things that I’m not, and for the things I could be? I really don’t know. I don’t know why it is so important to find myself. Everyday, I’m already learning something new. It’s not like I’m so out of touch with my emotions and my thoughts.

I think people need to change that saying. Instead of taking the time alone to find yourself, why don’t you try to find yourself when you’re with others? Because at the end of the day, you can find yourself, but it will mean nothing if you just give in to the needs and wants of others. It will mean nothing if you succumb to their words and actions. So yeah, I don’t know what it means to find myself when I’m alone, and I don’t plan on trying to anytime soon.

I just want to be able to find myself in the presence of others.

I don’t want to just exist. I want to coexist.

 

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