When You Break

“When you break, you don’t crack first, you shatter spontaneously”

That’s what life has taught me, and that’s what college has been teaching me in the past few weeks I’ve been here.

It would be a whole lot easier if I were a leaky pipe; my stressors, my insecurities, and my emotions can just leave me so effortlessly without me having to worry about it. I mean sure, I will feel like there is a hole that needs to be patched up, but at the same time, it sounds like a much healthier alternative.

I am a dam. Everything in my life just gets stuffed all the way in the back. I feel the weight of my world resting on my shoulder, always nudging me and shoving me forward to do something. And by that I mean anything than lying on the floor or the bed, contemplating about the purpose of life. I know for the most part, I’m strong; after all, I am a dam. I’m built to be strong, and I’m meant to be strong or so I tell myself.

But have you ever seen a dam break? That shit is crazy. I am my own hurricane, my own tsunami, and my own volcano. I have the ability to destroy everything in my path. We all do. Everyone is capable of fucking up their own life and fucking up other people’s life. I’m not any different than you are. I would like to think so. I would like to think I’m this special person who gone through things that nobody has ever gone through, and therefore, decide that I am truly alone in this world and that nobody will ever understand.

I’m not that special though, and you’re not that special at least not in that way. Everyone of us is unique. We experience things, we perceives things, we do things, we think about things all differently, etc. But just because differences exist does not mean a lack of understanding and a lack of willingness to understand automatically follows.

Sometimes we just aren’t ready to understand. We aren’t ready to understand the world when we can barely understand ourselves. And that’s perfectly okay. We like to think that things happen in a linear way; you do this and you get that. BAM. Without realizing, we start to expect that everything occurs that way, and it’s just not that simple.

There are so many variables that factor into the moment itself. We can’t account for all of them. We can try to, but we can’t do it all. Now, I have to admit. At this point, I have no idea where I’m going with all of this. Originally, this is supposed to be a post about breaking down, and look where it got me now.

I’m telling you. Somethings are just out of our control. So instead of focusing on how to control the things that affect us, we should focus on how we want to response to it. That’s one thing you can control or learn to control. Because life is always gonna throw shitty moments at us- that’s just life being life.

But there is also just so much more to life than figuring out what you want and who you are. Maybe life is just about connecting with not only ourselves but with nature too. Maybe life is just as simple as breathing and enjoying the sunrise and the sunset or as simple as hearing the birds chirp and feeling the drop of rain falling down on your skin.

Maybe all it takes is to have faith in the uncertainty that has yet to come and to have faith that no matter what, you will make it through. And I know you will make it through. You are strong. You will be coming in like a wrecking ball and knocking down all the insecurities you have ever known, and it won’t be easy.

But I know you can do it.

Because even when you’re breaking down, you are still standing. You are still fighting. You are still strong. Because even when you feel like you have exhausted everything, your heart continues to beat. It continues to beat.

So let that beating act as a metronome. Let your life be the instrument. And let that music you hear be the happiness that you will receive.

 


 

Photo Credits: Me!

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