if you ask me

If you ask me who he is, I wouldn’t be able to be tell you who.

You see, I was “in love” with this guy over a year ago. He became everything to me. I am who I am today because of him. That’s how much he has impacted my life. He taught me how to laugh, how to smile, how to cry, how to be angry, and how to stand up for myself. He also showed me the little things in life. The things that matter the most in the end.

We used to go out every other night. We would be in his car driving around as we talk about the meaning of life. We would stay up until it was way too late, especially for a high schooler like me at the time. But it was nice. It was nice to be able to have someone that I can just relax around with. Someone I can cry to and know that they won’t judge me or love me any less because of it.

He used to care a lot about me too. He used to make me feel like the most special person in the world. I was the only person he texted. I was the only person he felt comfortable sharing everything with. I was his support and he was mine as well. He loved me more than he wanted to, and he showed it without even realizing it himself until it was too late. The fact he would blow off his family to be there for me. The fact that he drove back in the middle of the night to make sure I was alright after having a huge fight with each other. The fact that he was always with me even when we’re hanging out his girlfriend and his ex. Didn’t that mean something?

He somehow always found his way to me. He always sat next to me in the car. He always walked alongside me. He always crouched next to me and lay his head on the table while I’m sitting there doing my homework. He always tried his best for me even when I was being very unreasonable.

But I couldn’t get over the fact that I was never going to be enough for him. That the one he loves is never going to be me. It was always her. He always chose her in the end. I was just a substitute, and when she was back in the picture, he put her first like he should have done in the first place, but it hurt.

It hurt because I was spending time with him every other day while they only talk on the phone once or twice a week. It hurt because he talked about how he feels like he can be himself around me better than he can be himself around her. It hurt because for the first time in my life, I never felt that kind of connection with someone, and I didn’t want to ruin the friendship that we had. I thought that being friends was enough for me, and it was. I never actually wanted to be more than friends. I just wanted to spend time with him as long as possible and as much as possible before it all ends.

So if you ask me who he is, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Because to be frank,  I still don’t know who he is. I thought I knew, and I think it’s becoming easier to figure out who he is or who he was back then. But I honestly just don’t care anymore. I don’t have the urge or the need to figure out what kind of person he is now. I just don’t give a shit about him. I gave a shit about the friendship we had- about all the moments we spent together, but not him.

He put me through hell in the last few weeks of the friendship. He yelled at me, screamed at me, and even wanted to hit me. He constantly put me down and told me how cruel and how manipulative I was. What was it?

“If I come to you now, are you going to hurt me? Are you going to be cruel like the cruel person that you are?”

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I’m sitting on my bed right now writing this as I spend another Saturday night alone. I can feel the loneliness eating me up slowly one by one as our memories flash before my eyes. And I’m highly confused. Because I miss those moments and the connection that we had, and I wish to be able to experience all of it again. But not with you.

I want to experience it with him. I want to spend the night with him. I want to talk about the meaning of life with him. I want to see him smile. I want to hug him, and I want him to hug me back. I want to love him and give him everything even if he can never give as much back. I want him. And if it ever came down to it, I would choose him over you any day.

 

But the funny thing is…

he didn’t choose me either

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