“the light that burns”

It’s been a while since I last dreamt about you. 

I’ve had worse nightmares and worse dreams, but nothing can compare to the effect that you have on me. I’m not even talking about conscious level right now. I’m talking about how deep your roots have sank into me, sprouting at every chance it gets.

I woke up with an anxiety attack from my dream.

We were messaging again. It felt awkward talking. We just didn’t exactly click well anymore, and I think it was more of my fault. I just didn’t joke around as much as I did before. I replied to you colder than I reply to strangers. The comfort  we used to had was gone, but slowly as time passed, we started to find our way back to each other.

It felt comfortable again. We were laughing again, and we were happy. But everything good has to come to an end at one point right? You brought up how you actually didn’t want to message me until my birthday and that you wrote a note for me. You wanted me to open it only on my birthday. It was an explanation of how you felt the past few weeks and all the other epiphanies you hit. I was excited to find out you wrote about me, which was followed by a waves of feelings when you said you wrote one for your ex-girlfriend too.

You also told me that in these notes, you wrote about how she and I can still decide whether or not we want you in our lives. That if we did, you wouldn’t mind because you still care a lot about the both of us. I felt angry, betrayed, confused, disappointed, and sad. But mostly, I felt stupid.

I still feel stupid for letting you into not just my life, but also my world.

The world that most people don’t know about. Much like the introvert that you are, I have characteristics of introversion too. I live in my head probably more than you do. Most of the time, I’m day-dreaming inside of my head: coming up with new and different kind of scenarios and what I would do in them.  I even like to come up with new names, new identity, new life, and new people. I live in my own fantasy. Even though people tell me I’m good at expressing myself, I only share about 15% of what really goes on in my head. There’s just so much, and it’s just so nice.

When life becomes stressful, I can run into the comfort of my own mind.

That’s what makes me an imaginative and creative person. It is also the very reason why I’m a hopeless romantic. I can’t help but come up with ideas that are just sappy and cringe-worthy in the best possible ways. I get lost in my own thoughts everyday.

Without me even realizing it until recently, I’m attracted to people who are lost in their thoughts too. There’s just a different kind of beauty to people who do not and cannot express their thoughts and feelings well. Or maybe, I’m just fascinated and curious about what they’re thinking about because I know what it’s like. I know that sometimes I don’t make sense. I just want to show someone my inner world instead. Let them in so I don’t have to stumble around for words that I normally do not use in my every day vocabulary.

My mind is just everywhere if you couldn’t already tell from this post or from previous posts. It may seem like I’m just random, but in my head, everything is connected in their own way. I just tend to skip over the thoughts that got me there. It’s just something you have to do when your mind is constantly running wild.

But all of this aside, I tried to let you into my world, knowing from the beginning that I was going to get hurt one way or another. I’ve told you things I’m afraid to tell another soul. Things that I wouldn’t dream of revealing. I’ve told you about my guilty pleasures. I’ve shared with you what my mind was thinking of when I heard certain songs. I’ve even let you read the papers I’ve written for my high school classes. I’m not even comfortable with friends or peers proofreading any of my writing, but there I was, emailing you the files. There I was, letting you read about my stance on social issues when I know that we might get into a heated debate about it later. And there I was, giving you the opportunity to tease me about my horrible grammar and about my limited vocabulary, in which you did occasionally.

I let you in when I was afraid to let myself in again. 

I put a lot of faith into you and into the both of us. The last one scarred me in so many ways, and the one before that, scarred me in a even worse way. I really wasn’t ready to trust again, but then again, when are we ever ready to trust? When are we ever ready to put ourselves out there? Exactly. We’re never really ready for anything, and that’s what makes life so crazy and so wonderful. Things happen when we least expect it to.  You just happened to come along, and I just happened to take a chance.

And we, by accident, created something beautiful. We were something beautiful. This is ironic. I can’t help but break into a smile right now. I just remembered what you said and linked to me the day we decided to stop talking to each other. And I guess, you’re right.

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and [we] have burned so very very brightly

-Tyrell, Blade Runner 

 

 

 

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