More than anything

I want to have someone in my life.

Someone who I can talk to without worrying about what they may think of me. Someone who will be there for me even though it is not at their convenience. Someone who will not only make me laugh, but will also make me cry. Someone who will love me for who I really am in both personality and appearance.

I want someone that can be the best of both world, a friend and a lover.

Now, how cheesy is that?

For the most part, I know I’m just expecting too much. There’s no such thing as a perfect guy, and if there is such a person, I would be honestly weirded out. Only because it bothers me that such perfection can even exists in a world filled with imperfections. He would only make me realize all the bad in the world, instead of making me appreciate all the good. It’s almost like one of those moments, in which you think back to the good times and end up realizing all the bad times instead. It makes you feel shitty almost. It also makes you fixated on all the things that you don’t have that you wished you had. Such perfection only scares me. I might just be speaking from a very low place here, but I don’t think I will ever be enough for such a person. Heck, I don’t even think I am enough for the average person.

Often time, I feel like a baggage. Something that people only appreciate and use when they need to. There’s this fear that people will just toss me away once they realize they have better options. Of course, this is not how I think most of the time. I’m pretty optimistic about the world and about others. Then again, that might just be on the surface level.

Deep down inside, I know I struggle with quite an amount of different issues. I just tend to give off this vibe that I’m confident, which isn’t technically a bad thing. However, sometimes, I just really need someone to be there for me.

I want someone to tell me to just stop acting strong for everyone and just cry.

It’s something I want more than anything.

I think people would start to understand if all they do in their life is to live for others. I’m just fed up with me having to make sure that other people’s emotions are okay when I should be focusing on myself first. It’s something I can’t change, at least not that easily. It’s not like I don’t think I deserve it. Rather, it’s because I know how hard it is to not love yourself and to feel worthless. I know what that feels like to the point that I just want to love everyone. I want them to know that they are loved and that they are worth it. But often times, I get so caught up in loving others that I forget how to love myself. This is just a habit that I have trouble changing. It would be nice to have someone there to remind me how to love myself. It would be nice to have someone there who would do the same for me as I do for others. It would be extremely nice to even have someone that I can really count on and talked to about everything.

It just scares me that this person might not exist or rather this person might not live up to these expectations I have. Not for my sake, but for theirs. Because when other people expect a lot out of you, it makes you feel suffocated and almost tied down. I don’t want to make anyone feel that way. I don’t want my expectations to stop someone from growing and from experiencing all the things they could be experiencing.

I hope this is legitimate fear.

For the past few days, I just feel lonely. I know there’s a part of me missing and a part of me that just wants somebody special in my life. I want to share my world with someone else, yet I don’t even know if I’m ready for it. Maybe that’s how I know I’m not ready for it. I mean, if I did know, I wouldn’t be doubting right?

I just hope that I will find that special someone whether it’s now or later. I just don’t want to end up all alone in such a big world.

 

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