Re:Discovering Photography

Click the link below to go to the journal!!

 https://vsco.co/jjeni19/journal/re-discovering-photogrophy

I will be taking graduation photos soon for the first time in my life for my housemate/friend. I’m super excited, yet at the same time really scared because I know how important graduation photos are and I really don’t want to fuck up. We’ll see though. Hopefully, I will get some clean shots out of it. It’s pretty hard when you don’t shoot with your film camera enough, and it’s even harder when you don’t have a stable income to finance your expensive ass hobby.

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2.6.18 | 12:10 pm

It feels like high school all over again.

The people I call my friends feel so distant at times because well, they have their own friends, friends that are closer to them.

Sometimes I beat myself up. I tell myself that if only I was more outgoing and more comfortable around people, then maybe I would have people I can call my own.

It really sucks. I feel like I spend the 20 min drive to campus thinking about how much I rather not be here, and when I’m on campus, I think about how lonely I am. I see my loneliness as a result of a defect I have. I attribute every wrong thing that happens in my life to my own shortcoming, always telling myself that if I was better and if I was enough, it would get easier.

Sometimes I feel as if books are my only friends, and even then, I rather choose loneliness because I am scared of getting lost in a world that doesn’t exist. I’m scared of being alone because I don’t know if that’s a choice I’m making or if it’s a choice I’m “forced” to make because it feels like there is no alternative.

I feel so lost. I don’t even know why I’m in college in the first place to begin with.

Falling

I hate falling: falling in love, falling in pieces, falling down, etc you name it, but as much as I hate falling, I hate getting up.

I hate getting back up after I’ve been kicked down. Maybe “kicked down” is a exaggeration.

Worn down by emotional erosion.

That has a better ring to it. I just hate having to be okay over and over again, and not even for other people’s sake but for my own. Because sometimes denying yourself the ability to feel and lying to yourself that you are alright are the only ways you can possibly cope with the loneliness, the loss, the lies, and the truth. The truth that is always being distorted in your own mind because the other person’s explanation is simply not enough. It’s not enough to explain why they don’t love you enough to want to be with you, so you turn inward, looking for something that’s usually and indefinitely the flaws and the insecurities that you tried so hard to pretend that you have already overcome.

And it’s so hard at that moment of life when you just want to curl up into a ball and die. Because everything feels better than beating yourself up for trusting in the life that everyone tells you that you deserve. The life filled with love and happiness that has always been so foreign to you. So as you face this pain again you wonder why you constantly put yourself into a position of vulnerability for the hopes that maybe someday someone will treat you right and be with you. But as you wonder more and more, the only answer that seems plausible is that you are naïve and that you are stupid for thinking it could ever happen to you. And as you get more engulf in this bottomless hole, you continue to keep looking down, wondering if it could get any worse.

Never once do you realize that if you just look up, you will see the endless possibilities that are waiting ahead of you.

Or maybe you do realize that this is not the end and that this is just temporary, just a little set back in the grand scheme of things. However, it doesn’t alleviate the emotions and thoughts you’re feeling and acting upon on. Sometimes knowing is just simply not enough. Sometimes the pain is so great that it is all that you think about and all that you feel, despite knowing it will get better. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself trapped in your own self-destructive thoughts, wanting to escape but not knowing or believing that there’s anything left or anything waiting for you once you do.

But as much as I hate falling and getting back up, it is also in these moments that I rediscover the amount of love and hope I have for myself and for this world.

It is in these moments that I truly believe I deserved better than what I have been given.

And just that statement, that feeling, and that thought alone helps me get through the rough time and the good times that have yet to come.

If you could read my mind

If you could read my mind, maybe for once in my life, I will have someone that can understand just what it is that drives me insane

If you could read my mind, maybe then you’ll realize just how vulnerable and how scared I am of the things that may come true and of things that may never come true

If you could read my mind, maybe you’ll see why I get so sensitive

If you could read my mind, maybe this wouldn’t be so vague

But truth be told, if you could read my mind, I don’t think you’ll like what you’ll find

It’s a dark place where happiness exist as a rare commodity

It’s a lonely place where the only form of “self-love” is self-harm

And if you could read my mind, maybe you’ll start to understand why

Why loving you is slowly eating me alive

Status

11.21.17 |23:58

There isn’t enough words in the dictionary to describe him

His smile can light up your world and his laughter can fill your heart

There isn’t enough love in the world that could match the love that he gives

Because love is special and he knows exactly how to make you feel special

“There isn’t enough ____ and there will never be enough ____”

But somehow in your heart you know that as long as you have him

it is enough

he is enough

and you are enough

 

My 20th Birthday

I smack my lips softly as I blink a few times before rubbing my eyes. A small moan escapes me as I stretch from side to side in my bed. My eyes trail off to my computer.

I see your messages. You tell me to go downstairs when I have a chance to. I cover my mouth in disbelief, “no way…you didn’t. no don’t tell me you got me something…” Tears start to build up in the corner of my eyes. I run downstairs to grab the package. I open it, and there it is: the pusheen that I wanted.

I start to cry. No one has ever done this for me. I hug the pusheen and cuddle it, hoping that maybe you’ll feel just how happy I am and how much I will treasure it. I laugh to myself before telling you that I’m going to name it JoJo. Short for your name of course.

I knew in that moment that I will remember this moment forever.


Two days ago, I had one of the best day of my life.

The night before, the 18th, was really hard. Every year my birthday reminds me of all the hardships I had gone through and the hardships that have yet to come. It has never been easy for me to imagine a life where pain and suffering isn’t a daily occurrence. I feel as if all my life I have been running away, and for the first time in my life I stopped to look back.

And what I saw was a life full of pain and suffering, but it was also a life full of happiness and little moments. And I don’t think I would have ever realize just how much more is in store for me without having my friends there for me.

Although life has been really hard for me, I’m starting to see all the good things that may happen. All the things I still want to experience before I die. And I would be lying if I said that I can’t help but smile every time I see JoJo. He just puts a smile on my face so effortlessly. Maybe it’s just the fact that he’s so freaking cute or maybe it’s the fact that the person who send it to me means so much to me.


I don’t even know where to begin.

He just a very special person in my heart.

Sometimes it’s a bit scary because I don’t like feeling so close to someone or having someone so close to my heart. I guess I’m afraid that I’m just going to lose them or going to mess things up to the point that we will never talk. Sometimes those insecurities get the best of me and I can’t help but just distance myself.

I know there are times where I cry because I’m so scared that all those things may actually come true. And sometimes it’s even more scary to be told that it’s not going to happen. It’s scary to be reassured and to trust in that reassurance.

But despite of all my fears, I continue to move forward. And there isn’t a day that I regret not doing so. My 20th birthday may have been my special day, but deep down inside, I feel like this birthday was really our special day because I can’t possibly think of having such a good time without him.

So if you’re reading this right now…

Thank you.

You’re the best ♡