When can I let go?

Lately, I’ve been wondering what it takes to let you go 

All of the memories we had together still burn in the back of my mind. Whenever someone starts to get close, I start seeing smoke, and when they hide behind that smoke, I trick myself into believing that I found another you. But the thing with smoke is that it will eventually dissipate into the air. And when that smoke clears, will I be able to finally see them for who they are or will I see another facade I’ve created?

Lately, I’ve been wondering why I desperately need to find someone like you

No one I’ve met so far has gotten close to what it felt like to be with you. And the saddest part is, I don’t even get to call you a past love or get to call this a breakup. What we had, was that real or was it just another figment of my imaginations?

Because I remember bumping shoulders while we walk along side each other in the middle of the night. I remember the touch of your fingers against my skin; the way your body encapsulates me whenever you hug me. I remember studying and stressing out about school work in a coffee shop and how you would squat and lean your shoulder on the edge of the table and just stare at me. I remember your habit of parting your lips before breaking into a soft smile. I remember the weight of your head on my lap and the feeling of your hair in my fingers as I play with it. I remember when you told me you love me.

Lately, I’ve been wondering why I can’t forget you

Everything was not as peachy as I made it sound. I remember those moments when you screamed at me, dragged me forcefully by the wrist, and threatened to hit me. I remember all the constant put-downs you said out of “love”, and I remember the way you would tell me it’s my fault and that I made you do it.

I remember.

I remember the way your lips touched hers and how you were engulfed in one another’s love. I remember watching you slip out of my hands and how desperately I tried to change at every chance I get in order to make you stay. I remember how I constantly felt like I was never going to be good enough for you, and how even then, I still wanted to do anything I can to make you proud of me, to make you love me, and to just make you appreciate my efforts. But it was never enough. As long as I’m not her, I will never be good enough. She could have a thousands more flaws than me, but she will always be perfect and enough to you.

So I wonder why I can’t forget you and the pain you put me through

I already accepted that you will never be mine. I’ve already let that go. I’ve already let you go a long time ago. And I’ve been ready to let go of everything. But it seems like you still have a hold on my heart even if it’s just a little piece of it. It seems like I will never get that piece back, and it scares me to imagine that maybe that was the piece I need to complete myself. That without it, I will always be empty.

I’m so scared.

So scared to think that no one will ever truly love me enough to want me

 

 

someone like you

i wish i had someone like you

someone to lie on the ground with in a candle-lit room at 11 pm at night

as we lie there, we can point at the ceiling, pretending that it’s the night sky. we can watch the shadows of our hands dance while we laugh at each other. and when it becomes silent, we can look into each other eyes and press our forehead against one another. we can just enjoy the moment like this is our night to shine. and we can even fall asleep peacefully in each other’s arms, knowing that we are being embraced with love and comfort

i wish i had someone like you

 

if you ask me

If you ask me who he is, I wouldn’t be able to be tell you who.

You see, I was “in love” with this guy over a year ago. He became everything to me. I am who I am today because of him. That’s how much he has impacted my life. He taught me how to laugh, how to smile, how to cry, how to be angry, and how to stand up for myself. He also showed me the little things in life. The things that matter the most in the end.

We used to go out every other night. We would be in his car driving around as we talk about the meaning of life. We would stay up until it was way too late, especially for a high schooler like me at the time. But it was nice. It was nice to be able to have someone that I can just relax around with. Someone I can cry to and know that they won’t judge me or love me any less because of it.

He used to care a lot about me too. He used to make me feel like the most special person in the world. I was the only person he texted. I was the only person he felt comfortable sharing everything with. I was his support and he was mine as well. He loved me more than he wanted to, and he showed it without even realizing it himself until it was too late. The fact he would blow off his family to be there for me. The fact that he drove back in the middle of the night to make sure I was alright after having a huge fight with each other. The fact that he was always with me even when we’re hanging out his girlfriend and his ex. Didn’t that mean something?

He somehow always found his way to me. He always sat next to me in the car. He always walked alongside me. He always crouched next to me and lay his head on the table while I’m sitting there doing my homework. He always tried his best for me even when I was being very unreasonable.

But I couldn’t get over the fact that I was never going to be enough for him. That the one he loves is never going to be me. It was always her. He always chose her in the end. I was just a substitute, and when she was back in the picture, he put her first like he should have done in the first place, but it hurt.

It hurt because I was spending time with him every other day while they only talk on the phone once or twice a week. It hurt because he talked about how he feels like he can be himself around me better than he can be himself around her. It hurt because for the first time in my life, I never felt that kind of connection with someone, and I didn’t want to ruin the friendship that we had. I thought that being friends was enough for me, and it was. I never actually wanted to be more than friends. I just wanted to spend time with him as long as possible and as much as possible before it all ends.

So if you ask me who he is, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Because to be frank,  I still don’t know who he is. I thought I knew, and I think it’s becoming easier to figure out who he is or who he was back then. But I honestly just don’t care anymore. I don’t have the urge or the need to figure out what kind of person he is now. I just don’t give a shit about him. I gave a shit about the friendship we had- about all the moments we spent together, but not him.

He put me through hell in the last few weeks of the friendship. He yelled at me, screamed at me, and even wanted to hit me. He constantly put me down and told me how cruel and how manipulative I was. What was it?

“If I come to you now, are you going to hurt me? Are you going to be cruel like the cruel person that you are?”

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I’m sitting on my bed right now writing this as I spend another Saturday night alone. I can feel the loneliness eating me up slowly one by one as our memories flash before my eyes. And I’m highly confused. Because I miss those moments and the connection that we had, and I wish to be able to experience all of it again. But not with you.

I want to experience it with him. I want to spend the night with him. I want to talk about the meaning of life with him. I want to see him smile. I want to hug him, and I want him to hug me back. I want to love him and give him everything even if he can never give as much back. I want him. And if it ever came down to it, I would choose him over you any day.

 

But the funny thing is…

he didn’t choose me either

The Numbing Pain

I don’t know what kind of pain I like better; the ones that numbs you or the one that tears you apart. To me, they both seem so appealing and so fitting for someone like me. Maybe I’m just addicted to pain, or maybe I’m just addicted to the feeling of worthlessness. Sometime it’s just easier to crawl back into your shell and beat yourself up for everything you did and for everything you didn’t do. But sometime, it’s much more effortless to just speak your heart out. I just want to pour everything out without having to worry about holding back anything.

I want to scream to the whole world that I love you, but how much of this is really love? I never doubted myself until you repeatedly drilled into my head that maybe what I feel isn’t real. Then what is real? If these feelings aren’t real, is anything real? How can I possibly believe that what I feel for you isn’t real when I feel it so intensely? I do feel like it’s surreal. That I never thought it could be possible to love someone so much. Maybe that’s just something you will never understand.

You might think I love easily, but I don’t. I love carefully. I don’t even let myself into my own heart while I’m trying to let you into mine every single day. But it’s also tiring. It’s tiring to listen as you dissect both my feelings and I apart as if they were both meant to be examined for illnesses. There is nothing wrong here or rather, the only thing wrong is you. Do I scare you? Do I repel you? Are my feelings for you just too much to stomach? Because if that’s the case, then don’t be scared. I’m here. You know that. I’m here.

The only times I’m not here is when you push me away- when you purposely put distance between us because everything is too much. I can love you, but I can’t love yourself for you. Hell, I don’t even know how to love myself back. I’m being as understanding and as loving as I can be. Sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I never want my love for you to be just “enough”. What does having enough mean?

Don’t you want someone who will love you till the end of time? Someone whose feelings for you will never change because that’s just how strongly they feel about you? And it’s not irrational. Don’t you ever call my love irrational. I have chose to love you because I wanted to love you. Don’t ever dare think this was a random selection or a desperate decision because it’s not. If you only give me the chance, I can tell you why I love you. I can tell you all the things you do that makes me smile and all the things you don’t do that still makes me smile and still makes me feel grateful.

But will I ever get the chance to tell you? You’re getting further and further away from me every day. I’m starting to feel numb. I still feel happiness when I’m with other people, but with every second of you gone, I’m slowly forgetting how to be happy with you. Why do you have to act so cold and so distant? Why can’t you just understand that all I ever wanted was for you to speak to me and to be with me. I don’t want to think of you and feel numb. I want to feel something more than that. I want you to feel something more than that. Is that all too much to ask?

I feel really numb. If you aren’t feeling this, if you don’t plan on ever returning my feelings, if this is all there is ever going to be, then break my heart now. Tear me apart because this numbness is already killing me.

 

 

The Pain of Holding Back

I miss us. I miss everything about us. I never exactly planned on leaving forever, but I know I just needed this break for myself. You were okay with it, or so I thought. But only two days later, you messaged me again and we talked for four hours, which left like just a blink of an eye. Towards the end when you brought up to talk tomorrow, I shut the idea down. I knew you were upset by how cold I was being, but can you blame me?

You didn’t want anything more than a friendship, yet you still treat me like I’m more. You’re driving me into the corner with your flirting, yet you expect me to understand that there was nothing more between us. For fuck sakes, I told you I was in love with you. I told you how I never felt this way about somebody and how I never wanted somebody so much in my life. Yes, there’s the distance, but that doesn’t matter to me. I just want you. I want to fly over to see you and do all the things we planned to do, and I know you want that to happen too. You talk about it all the time like it’s going to be something huge. The final reveal sort of thing.

I really value what we have together. That’s why I needed to take a break in order to not let these feelings get in the way. If loving you meant that I’m going to destroy this friendship, then I’m going to love you from a distance. But it’s so hard when you told me that you couldn’t just let things be- that you want to keep talking because you’re scared that the distance will cause us to drift apart forever. And I’m scared too, probably more than you are, so I caved in. I gave in to what you wanted and now I’m lost again.

I’m getting lost in you. I love the way you chuckles. I love the way you’re taken back by my remarks and the way you stubbornly tell me to “shaddup”. I love the way you can just go on about the things you like without realizing that you do it. I love the way you think and the way you slowly let me in. I love you for everything you are and everything you’re not, and I feel like I can love you forever.

Maybe love is too strong of a word here to be used romantically, but I still don’t really know how I really feel. I know platonically, I love you with all my heart. But I just feel like everything gets a bit too much for me. You want to think things through and weigh out the pros and cons about us, and that’s great for you.

However, I feel sorry for you that you think there are more cons than pros. I’m really sorry that these cons are holding you back. If you think that it is best for us to just stay friend, then please live by that. You are not allow to be upset at me when you find out that I’m going out on dates with guys. You are not allow to tell me who I can talk to and who I want to meet. You have no place and no authority to tell me any of that.

Sometimes, I feel like you’re insecure. That even if something official happened between us, you won’t trust me. You’ll think I’m out with some other people and want to spend time with them more or whatnot. And I know why you would feel that way; it’s because it’s something you would do or you have done in the past. But I’m not like that. Please stop looking at me like I’m a reflection of your own insecurities. Because I’m not.

I’m not your insecurities. If anything, I’m my own insecurities. So let your insecurities hold you back if that’s what you wish. I’ll just try my best to hold back all these feelings and try my best to meet new people. And if that destroys you to see me act that way then all I can say to you is “that’s what you wanted.” I can’t give you sympathy. I can’t give you empathy. I can’t give you any affections for hurting me with what you thought you wanted.

So yeah I realized it’s not easy for the both of us to be holding back. I want to just scream at your face and tell you to just take a leap of faith. Why not just stop holding back and see where it takes us and just let it grow into something bigger? You can try to repress it all you want, but at one point, it’ll become too much for us to handle. What then? Do we just end it all or do we just change something up? So far, all we’ve been doing is going back to square one, letting it build up, and going back to square one. It’s just a never-ending cycle of confusion. And that hurts. I’m forever living in this state of what ifs. What if one day, you change your mind and tell me what you really want? What if one day, we do end up together? What if one day because of what you chose, we never talk again? Are you okay with that? Because I’m not.

And I get it. In the beginning, I was so against my friends dating because I felt like they both weren’t ready for it. I felt like they should take some time before jumping into it. When I asked her why rush it, she said it’s because nothing is forever. Although it’s nice to believe in that “what will be will be”, sometimes, you just have to go for it. Because life is so short. We should enjoy it while we can even if the future might not end up as great as we wanted it to be.

The more and more this continues to keep up, I feel like I’m just going more crazy. I just start to get tired of it, but I don’t love you any less of it. Rather, I feel more depressed and more defeated. I feel like no matter how much I love you, it will never be enough for you to realize and enough for you to appreciate. Maybe that’s just what I get for giving you my love. And maybe just maybe, this is just the pain of holding back when you love someone so much.

 

 

The Art of Heartbreak

Now a lot of people think getting your heart broken is easy, but not for someone like me. In order to have your heart broken, you need to take a few steps to achieved such feelings. I have experienced heartbreaks before, but I have to admit, this one hurts more than any of the ones I had so far in my life. For me, this is the way to get your heart broken.

Step One

Trust. Don’t trust people blindly. Trust the people you know that will stick around and love you not only despite of your mistakes but also love you for your mistakes. Trust them and let them trust you. Let the mutual trust develop a feeling of warmth and of comfort. The next thing you know, you guys are in your own little world. You can freely share your thoughts without the fear of them disliking you or getting mad at you. You can express how you feel about certain things and know that they will respect you for it.

Step Two

Love. But don’t do it with your eyes close. Love them for who they are. Love them for who they can be. Love them for the love that they are. And love them for the things that they aren’t. Love yourself though and let your love wrap itself around them. Let them feel your love and feel the warmth radiating from you. And even if they may say horrible things to you know that it is not the truth and that they are just an insecure child that needs loving too. Don’t give up on them and don’t love them any less because of it.

Step Three

Make plans. Dream big. Promise each other how you two will travel the world together until you die. Talk about all the places you want to go and how you want to experience that with them. How you want to be under the stars together at night and how you want to make a campfire at a site you two had just arrived after a long day of hiking. Remember that anything is possible with this person. Talk about the future. Talk about marriage for god sake. Talk about what the parents you’ll both be and ironically, how perfect of a marriage couple the both of you will be. And who can forget? You should tell each other how much you enjoy each other’s presence and how you can’t help but like them. And not platonically either, I’m talking about confessing your feelings to one another. Telling them how you’re falling head over heels.

Step Four

Listen. Listen as they tell you how even though they like you, it cannot be. Listen as they tell you how they only want to be friends. LISTEN as they tell you they don’t want you to leave, yet they don’t want to make you stay. And don’t you dare cry. Don’t you dare cover your ears or your eyes. Listen to every words that come out of their mouth and remember it well.

Step Five

Remember. Remember all the moments you two spent together. Remember all those nights you stayed up for one another. Remember all those quirky jokes or the times they call you cute and adorable. Remember the moments when they joked about you being their girlfriend/boyfriend and the moments they referred to you as their significant other. And NEVER ever forget how indecisive they are. How they are aware of your feelings yet they choose to do nothing about it, and even worse, how they purposely say things to make your feelings grow. Remember all the things that could have been and the things that never will be.

Step Six

And forget. Forget about it all. Forget about all the promises made, all the sweet words said, all the bullshit they put you through because they can’t make up their mind. They don’t want you to leave, yet they don’t have a reason for you to really stay either. They always say they do. What is it? Because “I care about you”? If they really cared, they would not put you through their indecisiveness and continue the heartbreak even when you have brought it up many times. Just forget about them. Forget about how happy they made you feel. Forget about how for the first time you actually wanted someone in your life that badly. Forget about how you two trust and love each other so much. Forget about it all, and maybe then. Just maybe then, you’ll find a piece of yourself that you haven’t given to them yet.

Step Seven

Cry. Cry your heart out. Cry because that’s all you think you can do. You know there is more you can do than just walking away from the person, but you also know that you cannot change another person’s heart. Or maybe you can, but can you stomach through the trials and the pain? So keep crying, my child. Keep crying. Remember all the good times and the bad times. Remember all the what ifs and the could haves. Then forget about them and let your tears act as a way for you to let go. Let your tears be the liberation you deserve. Let it set you free. And let it remind you that you are nothing and I mean nothing close to the person that they wished you’ll be.

Final Step

Because you see, you are so much more than that. And if they can’t see that, then that’s their lost. Because even when you’re heartbroken, you are strong and beautiful. Don’t let someone define you. Don’t let a could-have define a will-be. And don’t you lose hope.

Because I swear, one day, you will meet that special someone. And it still won’t be easy. But the difference is they’ll know and you’ll know that you two are meant to be and there’s nothing in this goddamn world that can keep you two apart.