2.6.18 | 12:10 pm

It feels like high school all over again.

The people I call my friends feel so distant at times because well, they have their own friends, friends that are closer to them.

Sometimes I beat myself up. I tell myself that if only I was more outgoing and more comfortable around people, then maybe I would have people I can call my own.

It really sucks. I feel like I spend the 20 min drive to campus thinking about how much I rather not be here, and when I’m on campus, I think about how lonely I am. I see my loneliness as a result of a defect I have. I attribute every wrong thing that happens in my life to my own shortcoming, always telling myself that if I was better and if I was enough, it would get easier.

Sometimes I feel as if books are my only friends, and even then, I rather choose loneliness because I am scared of getting lost in a world that doesn’t exist. I’m scared of being alone because I don’t know if that’s a choice I’m making or if it’s a choice I’m “forced” to make because it feels like there is no alternative.

I feel so lost. I don’t even know why I’m in college in the first place to begin with.

Advertisements

If you could read my mind

If you could read my mind, maybe for once in my life, I will have someone that can understand just what it is that drives me insane

If you could read my mind, maybe then you’ll realize just how vulnerable and how scared I am of the things that may come true and of things that may never come true

If you could read my mind, maybe you’ll see why I get so sensitive

If you could read my mind, maybe this wouldn’t be so vague

But truth be told, if you could read my mind, I don’t think you’ll like what you’ll find

It’s a dark place where happiness exist as a rare commodity

It’s a lonely place where the only form of “self-love” is self-harm

And if you could read my mind, maybe you’ll start to understand why

Why loving you is slowly eating me alive

Status

11.21.17 |23:58

There isn’t enough words in the dictionary to describe him

His smile can light up your world and his laughter can fill your heart

There isn’t enough love in the world that could match the love that he gives

Because love is special and he knows exactly how to make you feel special

“There isn’t enough ____ and there will never be enough ____”

But somehow in your heart you know that as long as you have him

it is enough

he is enough

and you are enough

 

Status

11.2.17 | 01:08

i miss you

delete delete delete delete delete 

delete delete delete delete delete 

i hope

delete delete delete delete delete delete 

i’m sorry

delete delete delete delete delete 

delete delete delete delete

hey

delete delete delete

I don’t even know why I’m writing this to you right now, and I really don’t understand why I do this to myself. I wish I can express to you how I truly feel, and it hurts because I used to be able to tell you everything but now I can’t say a thing. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I wish things could just be simple again, but it won’t. What do I do? What can I do? The answers are all sitting in front of me, loud and clear, yet I feel frozen, stuck in time, stuck in reality, stuck in my mind.

I just wish I could tell you that I

click, drag, delete

“How are you feeling? Are you doing aright?”

                                                       -Jenice 1:39am

 

Status

7.25.17 | 02:22

People will believe what they want to believe. That is just a part of human nature. You can lay all the evidences out in front of them, and they can still accuse you in heartbeat. They think they are so powerful in these situations. They think they have the upper-hand, but contraire I hold the power in the end. I won’t give them my reasons, and I won’t let them have the choice to choose whether or not to believe me. I won’t let them know my story if they never bother to ask. I will let them live in ignorance. I will let them go down their life without knowing the truth even if they wanted to. Because nothing is more powerful than knowledge. And that is exactly what I’ll deprive them of.