A Sleepless Night and an Epiphany

A few days ago, I gave my friend some advice on this guy she likes:

All im thinking right now is that if he is fearful of rejection, I wonder if that is just the normal fear of rejection or if there’s more to it. Like past influence? Things in life that made him who he is today. Because all of us go through stuff that shape who we are today. With regards to our past, some of us forget it, some of us ignore it, some of us remember it, and some of us are still stuck in it.

I can still feel myself in that moment, talking about my experience. I can feel myself almost venting about what I’ve gone through.

Be honest with him, ask him how he feels, and let him know that it wasn’t easy telling him how you feel. this requires a lot of vulnerability, and it may mean that you may get more hurt. But sometimes, someone has to be more vulnerable first. And if he ain’t willing to be that vulnerable, it says more about him than you.

But it wasn’t until this message that I finally realized that it is time to take my own advice.

I’ve felt so angry at myself for the past few months. I’ve felt like a horrible person for not understanding where he was coming from all the time. I’ve felt like I was just not good enough for him and never good enough for anybody. Little did I know, that wasn’t true.

You see there are so many things that we may blame ourselves for that have little to do with us. I mean come on, if we, ourselves, project our problems and feelings onto others, what’s to say they won’t do that to us? Maybe it wasn’t our fault after all, and maybe it was never our fault to begin with. Maybe it’s just another person struggling with their own emotions and problems while they try to navigate through their life.

And that is okay. That is perfectly okay. But we don’t have to stay with them through it all. We are not obligated to stay with them even if we are together with them. Yes, when things get rough, you should ride it out, but at what point does it become just another thing to do? At what point does it become another thing to put up with? A relationship shouldn’t be like that, and that goes for both platonic and romantic ones.

We shouldn’t ever feel like we are limited or bounded just because we are in a relationship. It shouldn’t feel like balls and chains. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life not cause you to be more stressed and more emotionally drained. Yet at the same time, relationships aren’t easy. It wasn’t meant to be easy.

But it’s your choice whether or not you want to stick it out or if you want to leave, and it’s just as much of a choice for them to decide that as well. And whatever you decide and whatever they decide, it’s out of each other control.

In the end, what they do says more about themselves, and what you do says more about yourself.

So stop blaming others and stop blaming yourself. It’s only going to cause you more pain.

And I’ve had so unfortunately caused myself so much pain

 

 

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Unspoken Words May Lead to Regret

Lately, I spend too much time thinking about the past.

I think I’ve been so busy with school work and extracurriculars that everything is coming down on me at once. And as these things happen, I can’t help but think of you.

I miss the old times when you and I will hang out every other night and just talk. I miss being able to just talk. I miss sitting in a car with someone and talking to them about anything. I miss that deep yet spontaneous part of life, but let me be clear about one thing. I don’t miss you.

I just miss having someone like that to spend my day and night with. I think college is a bit different. Even back in high school, I took time to skip class, to go out at night, and to have fun. Now, I just stay in my dorm all the time. I know I have to put myself out there to meet people, but it seems like no one I’ve met so far is interested in going out or hanging out at night. Everyone seems to academically driven that it’s their top priorities.

With you at least, you put aside college work to hang out with me while I put aside high school work for you. It wasn’t the best thing to do academically, but we had so much fun. Now, I just miss being able to do that with people. A part of me is so scared that I’ll never find someone like that again in my life.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had told you that I liked you. It seems like unspoken words may lead to regret. It has never stopped bothering me, especially the fact that when I stopped talking to you, you and your girlfriend finally worked out. It’s like you no longer had another person by your side confusing your feelings. At the same time, if what we had made you questioned what you had with her, do you even love her as much as you claim?

I walked away so you would realize that the one you love and the one you want is her. I did it all for you even though it may have hurt you, yet you still look at me as this cruel person.  I did my best for the both of your guys’ happiness. Why do you call me selfish? I have been nothing but selfless. I let go when I wanted to hang on.

But a part of me regret not telling you my feelings sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything, but maybe I wouldn’t feel like everything could have been different. Now that you two are spend your life together like a happily ever after fairytale, I just feel like something is missing in my life.

I just dislike how it’s going to be 2 years soon, yet it still sits on the back of my mind