Status

11.10.17 | 13:32

My heart is plaster

Peeling away from you slowly

Steadily

Making me wonder why

You meant something

In the first place

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Status

11.2.17 | 01:08

i miss you

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i hope

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i’m sorry

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hey

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I don’t even know why I’m writing this to you right now, and I really don’t understand why I do this to myself. I wish I can express to you how I truly feel, and it hurts because I used to be able to tell you everything but now I can’t say a thing. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I wish things could just be simple again, but it won’t. What do I do? What can I do? The answers are all sitting in front of me, loud and clear, yet I feel frozen, stuck in time, stuck in reality, stuck in my mind.

I just wish I could tell you that I

click, drag, delete

“How are you feeling? Are you doing aright?”

                                                       -Jenice 1:39am

 

to leave and to stay

life really boils down to a few moments.

some people aren’t meant to stay.

some people only stay in our memories, floating aimlessly, making us wonder why they exist in the first place.

some people leave.

and to me that is something that i’ll never get used to. don’t get me wrong, i love it. because when people leave, they leave behind traces of them, sometimes more visible than we think. but you see when people leave, you don’t know when they are coming back or if they are coming back at all.

when people leave they take pieces of you with them. pieces that you might never see again, or maybe you will but just in another person. and maybe that person only acquired that piece from someone who was once involved with you or even someone who was once involved with the person that was involved with you. you won’t know and there is no way to know.

when people leave they are neither happy or sad because leaving is never easy. it’s a lot of denial mixed with both pleasure and disappointment. it’s a lot of recognizing that you can have more without always having to know if what you have now is enough.

when people leave they make a gamble, a risky one too. you can’t just write out the pros and cons. the future is uncertain and anything can happen for better and for worse.

sometimes when people leave they realize they wanted to stay

but when people stay they forget what it’s like to leave. when people stay they forget that they, themselves, have a choice. they forget that maybe things don’t have to last forever for it to mean something. that you can enjoy the moments spent together and still look forward to the moments that have yet to come.

when people stay they cling on to the hope that everything will be the same but it’s not and it won’t be because nothing will ever be the same. life is always going to be ever-changing. those around you will also change whether you are ready or not. the world will not stop for you and it will definitely not stop for those around you.

when people stay they over-estimate their ability and under-estimate their needs. sometimes you need to put yourself first and be by yourself, alone, individually. you know, that solo life where you make decisions that empower you.

but sometimes when people stay things will get better. people are gonna be happy again. life will go back to the way it has always been. and when that happens it’s great

but you need to ask yourself if you need to stay to wait for things to get better. you need to ask yourself why can’t you leave? why is leaving a lesser option? why is leaving such a negative thing when others have no trouble doing so?

sometimes leaving and staying is less about pleasure or pain but more about empowerment.

sometimes leaving and staying is about the choices you make in those little moments that will close but at the same time open doors to new opportunities, new people, and new experiences.

so why stay?

why stay when they have so desperately wanted to leave…

 

My Silver Lining

Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go.

Sometimes we win some and sometimes we lose some. Sometimes living doesn’t seem like an option even though we know it is ultimately a choice we get to choose, but how can we possibly choose life when death seems so appealing?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been going down an emotional rollercoaster: from breaking up with my boyfriend to losing my job as well as trying to commit suicide a few times. Life hasn’t been easy for me, and over time it seems like every bad thing will push me over the edge. It seems like I lost all hope in myself and in what life has to offer if all I ever get is pain and suffering.

But the amazing thing about life is that you find things when you least expected.

And I found it.

I found my silver lining.

I never had a person in my life that treated me so well and made me feel like I could be enough. The person lights up my day, and it’s comforting to know that I can rely on the, when time gets hard. It’s comforting to know that we can talk to each other as if we’re equals. They remind me constantly the things I need to remember or to be told when I’m breaking down or feeling suicidal, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I know in the end, their words won’t change how I feel about myself. No one can make me feel a way I don’t want to feel or I don’t already feel. But to just simply have a reminder that I am special to someone and that I am important and amazing makes me feel like maybe my existence had meant and will continue to mean something to someone.

I’m far from being okay, and I know I’m still struggling just to get by. But it helps to know that I won’t have to always fight this battle alone. And it makes me cry just being able to admit that out loud and just being able to see myself in a better light even if that light may fade over time.

I just feel grateful I got to meet this person. I’m grateful of all the times we spent together and effort they have put into helping me. I know if they are going through something, I will be there in a heart beat. I will even fight whoever hurt them. Okay, maybe not physically fight, but I will be protect them.

I know my silver lining isn’t much.

It’s not a feeling nor a  thought, let alone an epiphany.

It’s just a reminder that even when things seem hopeless, even when I’m ready to give up on myself, there is someone out there that isn’t ready to give up on me. 

And maybe that’s enough to make someone feel wanted- to make someone want to fight for their future.

No, I know it’s enough.

It’s more than enough.

So I just want to say…

Thank you so much, my silver lining

You will always be in my heart.

 

this is my depression

depression can manifest itself in different ways without you realizing it until your world starts crashing down onto you

Sometimes there’s no coherent way of putting how you feel on the inside in words that somehow make sense. Sometimes how you feel on the inside doesn’t even make sense.

Right now, I should be extremely happy in my life. I have friends in college that I know I can trust and rely on. My relationship with my family has never been more healthy. I have a boyfriend that loves me very much that tries to support me and to make me special at every chance he has.

But…I’m not happy.

I have everything I ever wanted. A good relationship with my family, supportive friends, and loving boyfriend, but I don’t understand why I’m always so depressed. I don’t understand why I feel so inadequate all the time. Everything seems to bring me down, and I feel like I can’t escape these thoughts and feelings.

I hate being so negative like this. I hate that people have to deal with this.

I feel like even though I have everything, I have nothing at all. After all, if I did have everything, why do I still feel so empty? Why does it feel like I’m so alone in this world?

I just want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. And I am very well aware that this is just my depression talking. But sometimes I wonder if this depression will ever leave me or will it always sit in the back of my mind waiting for me to breakdown?

 

 

knock knock it’s your second year

I am anxious as I think about what is in store for me this school year.

A lot has changed: not just internally within but externally around me. I no longer live in the dorm; I share a house with 3 other housemates that are older than me. I don’t have any family down here, and all my friends are by the campus while I live 20 mins away.

I work at a coffee shop now and got certified again as a barista. I also have a boyfriend now. Someone I had grown to love over time and still continue to love him a little more each day. I am happy with him.

But I am scared.

Things seem to always find a way to fall apart in my life or so it would seem. There are a lot of things I have to juggle this school year: education, work, internship, and a relationship. I’m scared that I won’t have enough time to do all of them to the point that I can do them well.

But despite having these fears and worries, I think I will make it through.

And that’s all I need to believe in to know that I will be okay and continue to be okay.

the black and white (and gray) of love

For me, love is like action potential: it’s all or nothing.

It’s either I love you or I don’t.

For the past two years, I’ve been describing my experience with love this way, but it didn’t occur to me until tonight that it hasn’t always been this way. The younger me will probably tell you all about the crushes I had. I mean for god sake there was a boy I was “in love” with for four years.

To the younger me, that was love. To the current me, it was nothing more but a silly crush that lasted longer than it should have. But just because it isn’t love to me now doesn’t mean it wasn’t love at one point. I wonder if the definition of love changes as we get older and as we experience more of what life has to offer.

A part of me feels like I constantly try to define what “love” is in order to make sense of it all. It’s a defense mechanism almost. Whatever and whoever doesn’t fit my definition of love is filtered out. I don’t want to waste my time nor my emotion. It is only when I find someone that makes me feel a particular way, a way that resonates with my definition of “feeling love”, that I truly start investing. But then there’s that defense mechanism again. I tell myself that love for me is like action potential. So if I can’t see myself loving them years from now, if I can’t see myself loving them every second of the day, if I can’t see myself being overwhelmed by the feeling of love then it isn’t love. It can’t be love.

I won’t let it be love.

In order to protect myself from any potential heartbreak and disappointment, I purposely limit myself to knowing one type of love. I only allow myself to practice and to seek unconditional love. Maybe it’s because it’s something I don’t have but wishes to have.

While this is not bad thing, I start to wonder to myself whether or not I’m missing out.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to not like someone so much but then grow to love them with all my heart. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to date where love isn’t the main goal or main focus. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just be with someone and walk through life together, knowing that we will part ways shortly and be happy that we had each other by our side during the journey.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just live.

But maybe I’m not missing out on anything either. Maybe I got here today, because I already knew what it was like. Maybe I think this way, because it’s not wrong to be idealistic and to have standards. Maybe I’m just overthinking it again like I always do, but I know one thing for sure.

I don’t go out seeking love because the love I seek is so rare to come by that it must be developed with special care. One wrong move, and it wouldn’t be there.

But then again, maybe my action of deciding so early that something isn’t love has been and will continue to be a force that causes me to miss out on opportunities to foster something meaningful. But even if that is true, if something that could have been meaningful can disappear so easily, maybe it was never meant to be.

So here I go again with my idealistic view of love.

I wonder if I will still feel the same a year from now.

Maybe it’ll change.

Who knows.