My Silver Lining

Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go.

Sometimes we win some and sometimes we lose some. Sometimes living doesn’t seem like an option even though we know it is ultimately a choice we get to choose, but how can we possibly choose life when death seems so appealing?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been going down an emotional rollercoaster: from breaking up with my boyfriend to losing my job as well as trying to commit suicide a few times. Life hasn’t been easy for me, and over time it seems like every bad thing will push me over the edge. It seems like I lost all hope in myself and in what life has to offer if all I ever get is pain and suffering.

But the amazing thing about life is that you find things when you least expected.

And I found it.

I found my silver lining.

I never had a person in my life that treated me so well and made me feel like I could be enough. The person lights up my day, and it’s comforting to know that I can rely on the, when time gets hard. It’s comforting to know that we can talk to each other as if we’re equals. They remind me constantly the things I need to remember or to be told when I’m breaking down or feeling suicidal, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I know in the end, their words won’t change how I feel about myself. No one can make me feel a way I don’t want to feel or I don’t already feel. But to just simply have a reminder that I am special to someone and that I am important and amazing makes me feel like maybe my existence had meant and will continue to mean something to someone.

I’m far from being okay, and I know I’m still struggling just to get by. But it helps to know that I won’t have to always fight this battle alone. And it makes me cry just being able to admit that out loud and just being able to see myself in a better light even if that light may fade over time.

I just feel grateful I got to meet this person. I’m grateful of all the times we spent together and effort they have put into helping me. I know if they are going through something, I will be there in a heart beat. I will even fight whoever hurt them. Okay, maybe not physically fight, but I will be protect them.

I know my silver lining isn’t much.

It’s not a feeling nor a ¬†thought, let alone an epiphany.

It’s just a reminder that even when things seem hopeless, even when I’m ready to give up on myself, there is someone out there that isn’t ready to give up on me.¬†

And maybe that’s enough to make someone feel wanted- to make someone want to fight for their future.

No, I know it’s enough.

It’s more than enough.

So I just want to say…

Thank you so much, my silver lining

You will always be in my heart.

 

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this is my depression

depression can manifest itself in different ways without you realizing it until your world starts crashing down onto you

Sometimes there’s no coherent way of putting how you feel on the inside in words that somehow make sense. Sometimes how you feel on the inside doesn’t even make sense.

Right now, I should be extremely happy in my life. I have friends in college that I know I can trust and rely on. My relationship with my family has never been more healthy. I have a boyfriend that loves me very much that tries to support me and to make me special at every chance he has.

But…I’m not happy.

I have everything I ever wanted. A good relationship with my family, supportive friends, and loving boyfriend, but I don’t understand why I’m always so depressed. I don’t understand why I feel so inadequate all the time. Everything seems to bring me down, and I feel like I can’t escape these thoughts and feelings.

I hate being so negative like this. I hate that people have to deal with this.

I feel like even though I have everything, I have nothing at all. After all, if I did have everything, why do I still feel so empty? Why does it feel like I’m so alone in this world?

I just want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. And I am very well aware that this is just my depression talking. But sometimes I wonder if this depression will ever leave me or will it always sit in the back of my mind waiting for me to breakdown?

 

 

knock knock it’s your second year

I am anxious as I think about what is in store for me this school year.

A lot has changed: not just internally within but externally around me. I no longer live in the dorm; I share a house with 3 other housemates that are older than me. I don’t have any family down here, and all my friends are by the campus while I live 20 mins away.

I work at a coffee shop now and got certified again as a barista. I also have a boyfriend now. Someone I had grown to love over time and still continue to love him a little more each day. I am happy with him.

But I am scared.

Things seem to always find a way to fall apart in my life or so it would seem. There are a lot of things I have to juggle this school year: education, work, internship, and a relationship. I’m scared that I won’t have enough time to do all of them to the point that I can do them well.

But despite having these fears and worries, I think I will make it through.

And that’s all I need to believe in to know that I will be okay and continue to be okay.

the black and white (and gray) of love

For me, love is like action potential: it’s all or nothing.

It’s either I love you or I don’t.

For the past two years, I’ve been describing my experience with love this way, but it didn’t occur to me until tonight that it hasn’t always been this way. The younger me will probably tell you all about the crushes I had. I mean for god sake there was a boy I was “in love” with for four years.

To the younger me, that was love. To the current me, it was nothing more but a silly crush that lasted longer than it should have. But just because it isn’t love to me now doesn’t mean it wasn’t love at one point. I wonder if the definition of love changes as we get older and as we experience more of what life has to offer.

A part of me feels like I constantly try to define what “love” is in order to make sense of it all. It’s a defense mechanism almost. Whatever and whoever doesn’t fit my definition of love is filtered out. I don’t want to waste my time nor my emotion. It is only when I find someone that makes me feel a particular way, a way that resonates with my definition of “feeling love”, that I truly start investing. But then there’s that defense mechanism again. I tell myself that love for me is like action potential. So if I can’t see myself loving them years from now, if I can’t see myself loving them every second of the day, if I can’t see myself being overwhelmed by the feeling of love then it isn’t love. It can’t be love.

I won’t let it be love.

In order to protect myself from any potential heartbreak and disappointment, I purposely limit myself to knowing one type of love. I only allow myself to practice and to seek unconditional love. Maybe it’s because it’s something I don’t have but wishes to have.

While this is not bad thing, I start to wonder to myself whether or not I’m missing out.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to not like someone so much but then grow to love them with all my heart. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to date where love isn’t the main goal or main focus. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just be with someone and walk through life together, knowing that we will part ways shortly and be happy that we had each other by our side during the journey.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just live.

But maybe I’m not missing out on anything either. Maybe I got here today, because I already knew what it was like. Maybe I think this way, because it’s not wrong to be idealistic and to have standards. Maybe I’m just overthinking it again like I always do, but I know one thing for sure.

I don’t go out seeking love because the love I seek is so rare to come by that it must be developed with special care. One wrong move, and it wouldn’t be there.

But then again, maybe my action of deciding so early that something isn’t love has been and will continue to be a force that causes me to miss out on opportunities to foster something meaningful. But even if that is true, if something that could have been meaningful can disappear so easily, maybe it was never meant to be.

So here I go again with my idealistic view of love.

I wonder if I will still feel the same a year from now.

Maybe it’ll change.

Who knows.

 

Yes, I can’t understand you

What does “understanding” mean to me? What does it mean to understand?

I used to be an avid tumblr user, but luckily I stopped going on there about 2 years ago. It became a toxic place for me. One of the things that stuck with me the most was the disagreement that came with the usage of the word, understand.

You see, people on tumblr said you can never fully understand someone 100%. Therefore, to use the words “I understand you” is simply an insult and a way to belittle and to generalize another’s pain. They want you to be more socially aware and use the phrase “I can relate to you” instead.

For years, I’ve been using the phrase “I can relate” or “I can see where you are coming from”, but I’ve had enough. It’s not that I care less about how people feel. It’s just that I begin to wonder at what point does it become an issue of over-sensitivity? At what point does other people put their emotions and well-being in the hands of other’s? I know I’m not an insensitive person. I try my best not to be, but how much am I really at fault for upsetting someone?

After spending time with my spiritual life coach, I learn that you can’t feel emotions you already don’t feel. I know that not everyone will agree with this, but it makes sense to me. I get frustrated at people, because there’s already frustration inside of me from who knows what. Things upset me because I’m already upset and because I’m just projecting that previous sadness onto somewhere else. If this is the case for me, then is this the case for others too?

Maybe I can’t make someone feel emotions they don’t want to feel or already feel. Maybe we, as humans, don’t have that much control over people than we think we do. Maybe we’re just so used to giving our powers away to people that we believe we have no choice but to respond and to feel in a particular way. Maybe that’s all there is to it. Maybe we need to start taking responsibilities for how we feel instead of pushing that onto others.

Maybe it’s time for us to take control of our lives again.

And with that said, I can’t possibly understand how you feel. I can never understand with 100% certainty that what you feel is what I feel.

Because the truth is, we’re different people. I will never be able to be under the same exact circumstances where the people involved think and behave 100% like the way the people in your situation did. It is simply impossible. We can get close to it and try to understand what it was like to feel those emotions, but we can’t ever fully understand what each other felt.

And maybe we don’t need to.

Maybe pain is just pain. Maybe frustration is just frustration. Maybe all the emotions each and everyone of us feel are universal, and yes this is a trick question, because I know it is. We’re all humans at the very core. We all share similarities and differences; it is what makes us unique but still human at the same time.

Maybe being human is all there is to it. I don’t need to be able to understand 100% what exactly you’ve been through to know that you deserve better. I don’t need to experience it to know that you deserve to be loved and to have people that will cherish and support you. I don’t need to be just as broken or more to know that what you are feeling is real and painful. I just need to try.

I just need to try to understand and be willing to understand just what it is you want me to understand. I don’t need to walk through fire and go through hell. Maybe all I need to do is be a human. Not the stereotypical cruel and selfish human, but a human with the capacity to feel basic emotions.

Maybe we need to just stop putting a wall up and pushing people away on the basis that they might never understand what it was like for us. Maybe we need to just stop creating a divide between each other. Maybe we just need to recognize that at the very core, we are more similar than we think we are, and maybe just maybe that’s enough.

And sometimes I wonder maybe we choose to be ignorant, maybe we choose to push people away, and maybe we choose to not let anyone try to understand because we are scared of what it means for them to try.

Maybe we’re all just scared for someone to hug us, to support us, to care for us, and to love us in the moments we believe we do not deserve anything at all.

And maybe just maybe, it is that fear of understanding that continues to hold us back.

A Sleepless Night and an Epiphany

A few days ago, I gave my friend some advice on this guy she likes:

All im thinking right now is that if he is fearful of rejection, I wonder if that is just the normal fear of rejection or if there’s more to it. Like past influence? Things in life that made him who he is today. Because all of us go through stuff that shape who we are today. With regards to our past, some of us forget it, some of us ignore it, some of us remember it, and some of us are still stuck in it.

I can still feel myself in that moment, talking about my experience. I can feel myself almost venting about what I’ve gone through.

Be honest with him, ask him how he feels, and let him know that it wasn’t easy telling him how you feel. this requires a lot of vulnerability, and it may mean that you may get more hurt. But sometimes, someone has to be more vulnerable first. And if he ain’t willing to be that vulnerable, it says more about him than you.

But it wasn’t until this message that I finally realized that it is time to take my own advice.

I’ve felt so angry at myself for the past few months. I’ve felt like a horrible person for not understanding where he was coming from all the time. I’ve felt like I was just not good enough for him and never good enough for anybody. Little did I know, that wasn’t true.

You see there are so many things that we may blame ourselves for that have little to do with us. I mean come on, if we, ourselves, project our problems and feelings onto others, what’s to say they won’t do that to us? Maybe it wasn’t our fault after all, and maybe it was never our fault to begin with. Maybe it’s just another person struggling with their own emotions and problems while they try to navigate through their life.

And that is okay. That is perfectly okay. But we don’t have to stay with them through it all. We are not obligated to stay with them even if we are together with them. Yes, when things get rough, you should ride it out, but at what point does it become just another thing to do? At what point does it become another thing to put up with? A relationship shouldn’t be like that, and that goes for both platonic and romantic ones.

We shouldn’t ever feel like we are limited or bounded just because we are in a relationship. It shouldn’t feel like balls and chains. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life not cause you to be more stressed and more emotionally drained. Yet at the same time, relationships aren’t easy. It wasn’t meant to be easy.

But it’s your choice whether or not you want to stick it out or if you want to leave, and it’s just as much of a choice for them to decide that as well. And whatever you decide and whatever they decide, it’s out of each other control.

In the end, what they do says more about themselves, and what you do says more about yourself.

So stop blaming others and stop blaming yourself. It’s only going to cause you more pain.

And I’ve had so unfortunately caused myself so much pain