Frat Party + Alcohol -> PTSD

I am still in the middle of breaking down as I write this.

I feel sick to my core. I feel disgusted at myself, and I don’t understand why I’m being so harsh on me when no one should be so mean to themselves.

I arrived at a frat party, also the first ever college party in my life, with my friends. One of them were my suite mate and roommate while the other was my roommate’s friend. Well, first of all, I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and although I am not diagnosed with Social Anxiety, I do have symptoms of anxiety where I have a hard time emotionally and physically communicating with people.

At the party, I just didn’t know what to say. All my friends are more social than me, even though some of them were sober. It seems like people just approach them and they can easily talk to them. I felt alone and left out, because it seems like everyone wanted to talk to them instead of me. If I try to have a conversation with someone, my friend will just come and dominate the subject. And then suddenly, they become closer to each other, and I’m just an awkward third wheel.

I suffer from PTSD due to my past experience of sexual assault. It wasn’t until almost a year ago that I was raped that my progress really back tracked. In the past, my PTSD was so bad that I couldn’t even talked to a guy. I was always paranoid that they were going to assault me one way or another. It got better to the point that I could talk to them and shake hands every now and then. At one point, I actually got comfortable enough to the point of hugging them and crying in one of them’s arms. However, after I was raped by my ex-boyfriend, everything changed.

I am back to square one. I don’t know how to talk to guys. I’m terrified that they will take advantage of me both physically and emotionally. Going to a frat party did not help. It actually made it worse. Being surrounded by a bunch of dudes that just drinking and smoking made my anxiety worse. I was constantly scared of what may happened to me or to some other girls or even my friends. At last, my PTSD kicked in the minute my roommate disappear off with a frat boy to hook up with him somewhere else. Even though she said she’s consenting. Who the fuck knew at the moment especially when she’s crossed faded?

I’m terribly scared even now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to turn to. I really feel alone on my campus. I don’t have friends I can express this too, because they either go “aw I’m sorry, that’s so sad” or “maybe you should see someone about this” I do see a therapist for my PTSD, my anxiety, and my depression. This just feels like a curse I have to live with. Always fearful that someone is going to assault me. I know it’s illogical, but when is anxiety and PTSD ever logical?

I don’t know if I will ever get over my fear of men. It really destroys me that even though I miss having guy friends, I’m really scared and it’s not me choosing to be scared. I don’t know what I can do about it. I feel like I’m really stuck, but most importantly, I just feel alone. I feel like I’ve just been suffering alone. I know I have to be strong, but being strong is so hard when you’re trying for others and not trying for yourself.

A part of me just wish that maybe some day someone will notice me and notice my pain. And they will tell me that I don’t have to hide it anymore and that it’s okay to show it and release it. I just want to be loved and to be understood. I don’t even think I’m making sense anymore. I’m feeling so tired. I just want to cry myself to sleep.

 

maybe in another world

I woke up today feeling empty again.

Something just isn’t right. Then again, when is things ever right in my life?

I had a dream where I suddenly woke up in this new world after a long day in college. I knew I wanted to escape and disappear from all my problems, but I never thought I would end up somewhere else. It all felt so real. My desire to escape and the place I escaped to. But the more I lingered in the world, the more I started to miss my family, my friends, and my life back in reality.

I was trapped in this world that was ironically being oppressed by an evil witch. She enslaved everyone and took away colors. Everything was black and white, and for some reason, it felt comforting almost that no one had feelings. Everyone was just so monotone and so indifferent. Nothing matter at all. I guess I liked it at first.

But then there was this guy you see. For some reason my arrival to this world was due to his actions. He summoned me here to save everyone. We went on an adventure and completed these missions that gave colors to the people and to the world. We fell in love. It felt like we had known each other our whole life. Like everything was fate’s design- that we were supposed to meet and supposed to fall in love. His brother also embarked on the journey with us, and for the first time in a long time, I felt good. I felt like I had a purpose in life. I felt loved, appreciated, and important to someone. That’s something I don’t even think I have the privilege to feel in my life.

Towards the end of the dream I was in the witch’s mansion, and I confronted her and made a deal with her. If I could get something that was hanging in the middle of the air, she would have to break the spell and set the people free. I knew that there was a whale in the pool of water I jumped in. I knew the whale could throw me mid-air and threw me it did. I caught the hanging object and spell broke free. Soon enough, I saw the colors began to fill into the world and people being set free.

Everyone was in the water now with some people on the floating islands. There were fireworks setting off. It was beautiful. Then the witch came running to the guy that brought me here. We were at one of the islands and up in the hills where the ruins of the old castles were. Apparently they were brothers and sisters too. She started panicking and shouting, “Where is he? You have to find him. You know I didn’t enslaved these people on purpose. He did it. He put me under the spell. He’s trying to get her to kill me. Don’t you see? That’s why he told you to bring her here.”

I overheard them, and something within me thought that I had to be the sacrifice. That my life as it is isn’t enough. That saving everyone was the purpose of my life. So I ran away, shouting to get his attention. He quickly found me and put a rope around my neck, choking me. The siblings soon arrived and shouted at us, mainly to tell me that I don’t need to do this. The love of my life didn’t want me to do this. He kept telling me that maybe who I needed to save wasn’t the people, but myself. That in this journey, I saved myself by being true to my feelings and the feelings of others. That I didn’t need to throw away my life, so that everyone can have theirs.

But I knew I had to. Every fiber of my body knew I had to even though my heart was begging me not to. I wasn’t supposed to be in this world. If I die then the evil old brother can’t use me to kill his sister. If I die then the sister will live and put a spell to restrict her evil brother. If I die then everyone will be saved. So how can I even begin to think that there is an another option than to sacrifice myself? People needed me. The problem is I didn’t realize that I needed me. That the love of my life needed me.

I jumped down the cliff, trying to get the rope untied. My beloved jumped after me, grabbing the rope as his brother let go of it. My hands were holding onto the rope. I remember looking up at him, smiling sadly with tears rolling down my eyes.

“Maybe in an another life. Maybe in another world. We will find each other again. And maybe that time around I’ll get to be yours forever. I will always love you, and I know you will never forget that”

And I let go.

I started falling, but all I can hear was his scream.

Then my eyes open

I woke up

.

I woke up feeling empty today.

Like something has been ripped from my chest. Like someone I loved is missing. And I don’t know how to fill this void.

I want to fill this void. I feel so empty, and I can’t help but wonder why. A part of me keeps thinking that there is somebody that I’m always fated to be with. I always meet “him” in my dreams. Yet fate is so cruel.

We are never meant to be together, at least not in this world.

I wish I can go back to the dream world where I’ve met him multiple times in different contexts, in different characters, and in different dreams. Because I know and I know he knows that we have known each other since forever.

We are like soulmates.

Maybe it’s because we always meet in my dream one way or the other. I just want to go back to my dreams. I just need to go back to my dream. I just wish I can sleep all day. Better yet, I don’t even want to wake up.

If I’m going to wake up, I want to wake up in my dream and see him. I don’t want to wake up and see that there is no one beside me.

It’s too lonely. I can’t handle it.

Maybe he does exist in another world. Maybe he does exist in my world.

But I can’t find him. I don’t even know if he’s trying to find me. I just know that I miss him a lot. And waiting for my soulmate to find me is slowly tearing me apart. I’m not that strong. I need him. I need him to feel complete

.

I’m about to head to bed soon. Maybe I’ll see him in my dreams again.

And if I do, I wonder if I’ll wake up feeling empty tomorrow too.

Ice Cream

It’s the feeling you get when you stand in the line for the ice cream truck. The excitement. The anticipation. I, however, never liked ice cream to begin with. The sweet creamy taste only covers the pain you feel underneath. How many people actually get ice cream because they are happy? After all, these sweets will only end up as the fat around your stomach. I just don’t know why people love ice cream so much.

It leaves this bitterness in my mouth every time I eat or speak of it. I never really knew why since the brain freeze will just numb my thoughts and my feelings before I can even start to figure out why. Maybe my dislike for ice cream came from the disappointment you get as you take your final bite. You begin to long for it, yet you know it does not bring you anything but temporary happiness. In the end, it will fade just like how the ice cream will melt away.

I guess I just never liked ice cream to begin with.

More than anything

I want to have someone in my life.

Someone who I can talk to without worrying about what they may think of me. Someone who will be there for me even though it is not at their convenience. Someone who will not only make me laugh, but will also make me cry. Someone who will love me for who I really am in both personality and appearance.

I want someone that can be the best of both world, a friend and a lover.

Now, how cheesy is that?

For the most part, I know I’m just expecting too much. There’s no such thing as a perfect guy, and if there is such a person, I would be honestly weirded out. Only because it bothers me that such perfection can even exists in a world filled with imperfections. He would only make me realize all the bad in the world, instead of making me appreciate all the good. It’s almost like one of those moments, in which you think back to the good times and end up realizing all the bad times instead. It makes you feel shitty almost. It also makes you fixated on all the things that you don’t have that you wished you had. Such perfection only scares me. I might just be speaking from a very low place here, but I don’t think I will ever be enough for such a person. Heck, I don’t even think I am enough for the average person.

Often time, I feel like a baggage. Something that people only appreciate and use when they need to. There’s this fear that people will just toss me away once they realize they have better options. Of course, this is not how I think most of the time. I’m pretty optimistic about the world and about others. Then again, that might just be on the surface level.

Deep down inside, I know I struggle with quite an amount of different issues. I just tend to give off this vibe that I’m confident, which isn’t technically a bad thing. However, sometimes, I just really need someone to be there for me.

I want someone to tell me to just stop acting strong for everyone and just cry.

It’s something I want more than anything.

I think people would start to understand if all they do in their life is to live for others. I’m just fed up with me having to make sure that other people’s emotions are okay when I should be focusing on myself first. It’s something I can’t change, at least not that easily. It’s not like I don’t think I deserve it. Rather, it’s because I know how hard it is to not love yourself and to feel worthless. I know what that feels like to the point that I just want to love everyone. I want them to know that they are loved and that they are worth it. But often times, I get so caught up in loving others that I forget how to love myself. This is just a habit that I have trouble changing. It would be nice to have someone there to remind me how to love myself. It would be nice to have someone there who would do the same for me as I do for others. It would be extremely nice to even have someone that I can really count on and talked to about everything.

It just scares me that this person might not exist or rather this person might not live up to these expectations I have. Not for my sake, but for theirs. Because when other people expect a lot out of you, it makes you feel suffocated and almost tied down. I don’t want to make anyone feel that way. I don’t want my expectations to stop someone from growing and from experiencing all the things they could be experiencing.

I hope this is legitimate fear.

For the past few days, I just feel lonely. I know there’s a part of me missing and a part of me that just wants somebody special in my life. I want to share my world with someone else, yet I don’t even know if I’m ready for it. Maybe that’s how I know I’m not ready for it. I mean, if I did know, I wouldn’t be doubting right?

I just hope that I will find that special someone whether it’s now or later. I just don’t want to end up all alone in such a big world.

 

Resilience

re·sil·ience
noun
1.
the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
2.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

_________

Yet you are still here, standing. Even at your lowest point, you are still alive, breathing. What has been taken can be reclaimed. What has been learned can be unlearned. This pain you feel is only temporary, but I cannot tell you how long it will last. Yes, we only got ourselves at the end of the day, but we all want to share part of our life with someone special. It is nothing to be ashamed of or to feel bad about. Do not look at it as time wasted. Time was invested. It might not have yield what you wanted, but it yield a lesson that you needed. A lesson to remind yourself to have everything means to have nothing. To have nothing is to have everything. Only when you have little will you start to realize what you need. This is only a process, you are not at the end of the road, but rather the middle of it. Follow through. And maybe along the way, you’ll find a piece of yourself that you haven’t given to someone else. Remember to believe and trust in life. It is going to be hard, but you have someone that believes in you. Me. When you’re ready, believe in yourself, take a step forward, and reclaim your life. And reclaim your happiness that you so truly deserve.

Come to terms

My finals for this quarter have officially ended. Tomorrow, I’m going to fly back home. It’s going to be the last time I get to stay in that house.

It’s really upsetting if I have to be honest here.

I’ve lived in that house for about 8 years. That is the same amount of years I’ve lived in the apartment with my dad before my parents divorced. It’s scary that I have to leave behind another home of mine again.

Now, moving is no stranger to me. Before officially settling down in California, I lived in Houston, Texas for almost 4 months. I was only 8 years old and spoke zero English. To me, Houston was the beginning of my life in America until I was told by my mother that we were relocating once again to California where my future stepdad and his kids awaited us.

I used to get really bad nightmares. In those nightmares, I could never find my parents nor could I find anybody that existed. There I was, in the middle of the alleyway where I used to live in Taiwan, alone and frighten. I would tried to run up the stairs to the fifth floor where we lived, but no matter how hard I tried, the fifth floor did not exist and the stairs never end.

It just kept going,

and I just kept going.

Crying and trying so hard to find my family. To find my home. To find anybody that’s there that can comfort me. I felt so alone and so scared in those nightmares. In fact, I actually started to dislike stairs. I would avoid staircases, because it made me feel as if the moment I set foot on it, I might never reach the end.

But I discovered later that I was just lost and confused. I didn’t know where home was. Home was already America, yet a part of my heart still clung to the home in Taiwan- only to find that there is no home for me there anymore. That’s the realization I came to, and that is still the realization I am living by.

It’s just…how do I explain it?

You know how people say some issues are created as a result of the heart and the mind wanting different things? Well, what do you do when it is solely your heart that wants different things? What do you do when it is no longer a fight between you and someone else, but a fight between yourself?

I don’t know what to do. I still don’t.

The fact that I have to move again and leave behind this house- this place filled with so many memories both good and bad. How could I possibly do it so easily? I grew up here. I practically died and got reborn here many different times in the sense that I learned so many lessons in life during my stay here to the point that it is almost the birthplace of who I am now.

The birthplace of who I was as a 8 year old was not America. It was Taiwan. And the birthplace of who I am now as 19 year old is in that house located in Northern California.

Having to say goodbye to all I ever known all over again causes me tremendous stress, and there is nothing I can really do about it. This is beyond my control. But I’m a bit stronger now than before. In the past, I would just repressed all these feelings, but now, I’m writing about them.

I’m sure that if I keep taking these baby steps every single day, I will get there eventually, and I will come to terms with all these emotions and bitterness about having to leave. For the time being, I just need to cherish all the time I have left with my family and with that house.

And remember that this is just another lessons life is trying to teach.

 

Happy Birthday: A letter to myself

Happy Birthday, baby girl!

You are finally 19 years old. Can you believe it? 19 years old.

One more year and you will be 20. If you don’t think that’s amazing, I don’t know what else is amazing. You always thought that you will never live to see your 20s, but guess what? In one year you can. In 365 days, you will prove yourself wrong. To me, that’s amazing.

I know the day before your birthday has always been rough. In 2011, you tried to take your own life. You came home after being hit by the car in the traffic that you had thrown yourself into. You were limping, body covered with cuts and bruises, and face etched with tears. Your mom saw you, and you finally told her you didn’t want to live because everyone at your school bullied you.

It has been hard ever since. You grew distant from people, and you started to question whether or not people are just cruel. But you met her. You met your best friend. You met your other best friends, and you have been meeting so many amazing people along the way that is always wishing for your success.

Yes, it has been tough. I know. Especially last year when you wanted to take your own life the day before your birthday after having a huge fight with a boy you thought you love- after he screamed at you and dragged you out of his car. That day was horrible, and we both know that even though he treated you badly, you still found comfort in his arms when he came to see you after you told him you were about to end your life.

And I know it has been even tougher when you got your first boyfriend. You never been in a relationship before, and you are so scared that you might mess things up or that he might leave you for someone better. You had so many fears, and instead of dissipating them, he harmed you even more. You became another statistic. You were raped by the very person you trusted.

But you are so strong.

You are so strong for standing here today. You are strong for seeking the help you need when you arrived at college. You are “stronger than anybody even you can ever imagine.” Remember that line? In the poem you wrote?

You put yourself out there, and you have done things that you never thought you could. You became an advocate for sexual assault victims. You’re out there sharing your stories and helping others that are going through the same thing that you’ve have been through or are still going through. You performed your own poems in front of a group of stranger despite of your anxiety. You have allowed yourself to be open with people and trust in life despite all of the hardships you’ve been through.

You are so amazing for all the things that you’ve done and for all the things that you are still doing. You literally did everything those people didn’t want you to do.

You took control.

You took control back. And you’re doing all these things because it’s something you feel passionate about, which is so great. You took control back by deciding that you want to major in something that you love and not something that your parents want. You took control of your own happiness, and that’s all I can ever want you to do.

You’re succeeding and standing here right now when all those people want to see you fail and want to see you be held back by their hurt. You’ve been overcoming so much adversities in your life, and it’s about time that you realize just how strong you are and just how resilient you are.

So my birthday wish to you is that I hope you remember all of your strength, all of your beauty, and all of your love that you give to yourself and to others. You are an inspiration to me.

And one day in your 70s or 80s, I know you will look back on this time of your life and realize that you couldn’t have done things any better than you are doing right now. You will realize that you were wrong about not living to see your 20s.

So Happy Birthday, Jenice.

I know you’ll make a huge difference in the world.

Love,

Yourself