Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go.
Sometimes we win some and sometimes we lose some. Sometimes living doesn’t seem like an option even though we know it is ultimately a choice we get to choose, but how can we possibly choose life when death seems so appealing?
For the past few weeks, I’ve been going down an emotional rollercoaster: from breaking up with my boyfriend to losing my job as well as trying to commit suicide a few times. Life hasn’t been easy for me, and over time it seems like every bad thing will push me over the edge. It seems like I lost all hope in myself and in what life has to offer if all I ever get is pain and suffering.
But the amazing thing about life is that you find things when you least expected.
And I found it.
I found my silver lining.
I never had a person in my life that treated me so well and made me feel like I could be enough. The person lights up my day, and it’s comforting to know that I can rely on the, when time gets hard. It’s comforting to know that we can talk to each other as if we’re equals. They remind me constantly the things I need to remember or to be told when I’m breaking down or feeling suicidal, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I know in the end, their words won’t change how I feel about myself. No one can make me feel a way I don’t want to feel or I don’t already feel. But to just simply have a reminder that I am special to someone and that I am important and amazing makes me feel like maybe my existence had meant and will continue to mean something to someone.
I’m far from being okay, and I know I’m still struggling just to get by. But it helps to know that I won’t have to always fight this battle alone. And it makes me cry just being able to admit that out loud and just being able to see myself in a better light even if that light may fade over time.
I just feel grateful I got to meet this person. I’m grateful of all the times we spent together and effort they have put into helping me. I know if they are going through something, I will be there in a heart beat. I will even fight whoever hurt them. Okay, maybe not physically fight, but I will be protect them.
I know my silver lining isn’t much.
It’s not a feeling nor a thought, let alone an epiphany.
It’s just a reminder that even when things seem hopeless, even when I’m ready to give up on myself, there is someone out there that isn’t ready to give up on me.
And maybe that’s enough to make someone feel wanted- to make someone want to fight for their future.
No, I know it’s enough.
It’s more than enough.
So I just want to say…
Thank you so much, my silver lining
You will always be in my heart.