When can I let go?

Lately, I’ve been wondering what it takes to let you go 

All of the memories we had together still burn in the back of my mind. Whenever someone starts to get close, I start seeing smoke, and when they hide behind that smoke, I trick myself into believing that I found another you. But the thing with smoke is that it will eventually dissipate into the air. And when that smoke clears, will I be able to finally see them for who they are or will I see another facade I’ve created?

Lately, I’ve been wondering why I desperately need to find someone like you

No one I’ve met so far has gotten close to what it felt like to be with you. And the saddest part is, I don’t even get to call you a past love or get to call this a breakup. What we had, was that real or was it just another figment of my imaginations?

Because I remember bumping shoulders while we walk along side each other in the middle of the night. I remember the touch of your fingers against my skin; the way your body encapsulates me whenever you hug me. I remember studying and stressing out about school work in a coffee shop and how you would squat and lean your shoulder on the edge of the table and just stare at me. I remember your habit of parting your lips before breaking into a soft smile. I remember the weight of your head on my lap and the feeling of your hair in my fingers as I play with it. I remember when you told me you love me.

Lately, I’ve been wondering why I can’t forget you

Everything was not as peachy as I made it sound. I remember those moments when you screamed at me, dragged me forcefully by the wrist, and threatened to hit me. I remember all the constant put-downs you said out of “love”, and I remember the way you would tell me it’s my fault and that I made you do it.

I remember.

I remember the way your lips touched hers and how you were engulfed in one another’s love. I remember watching you slip out of my hands and how desperately I tried to change at every chance I get in order to make you stay. I remember how I constantly felt like I was never going to be good enough for you, and how even then, I still wanted to do anything I can to make you proud of me, to make you love me, and to just make you appreciate my efforts. But it was never enough. As long as I’m not her, I will never be good enough. She could have a thousands more flaws than me, but she will always be perfect and enough to you.

So I wonder why I can’t forget you and the pain you put me through

I already accepted that you will never be mine. I’ve already let that go. I’ve already let you go a long time ago. And I’ve been ready to let go of everything. But it seems like you still have a hold on my heart even if it’s just a little piece of it. It seems like I will never get that piece back, and it scares me to imagine that maybe that was the piece I need to complete myself. That without it, I will always be empty.

I’m so scared.

So scared to think that no one will ever truly love me enough to want me

 

 

More than anything

I want to have someone in my life.

Someone who I can talk to without worrying about what they may think of me. Someone who will be there for me even though it is not at their convenience. Someone who will not only make me laugh, but will also make me cry. Someone who will love me for who I really am in both personality and appearance.

I want someone that can be the best of both world, a friend and a lover.

Now, how cheesy is that?

For the most part, I know I’m just expecting too much. There’s no such thing as a perfect guy, and if there is such a person, I would be honestly weirded out. Only because it bothers me that such perfection can even exists in a world filled with imperfections. He would only make me realize all the bad in the world, instead of making me appreciate all the good. It’s almost like one of those moments, in which you think back to the good times and end up realizing all the bad times instead. It makes you feel shitty almost. It also makes you fixated on all the things that you don’t have that you wished you had. Such perfection only scares me. I might just be speaking from a very low place here, but I don’t think I will ever be enough for such a person. Heck, I don’t even think I am enough for the average person.

Often time, I feel like a baggage. Something that people only appreciate and use when they need to. There’s this fear that people will just toss me away once they realize they have better options. Of course, this is not how I think most of the time. I’m pretty optimistic about the world and about others. Then again, that might just be on the surface level.

Deep down inside, I know I struggle with quite an amount of different issues. I just tend to give off this vibe that I’m confident, which isn’t technically a bad thing. However, sometimes, I just really need someone to be there for me.

I want someone to tell me to just stop acting strong for everyone and just cry.

It’s something I want more than anything.

I think people would start to understand if all they do in their life is to live for others. I’m just fed up with me having to make sure that other people’s emotions are okay when I should be focusing on myself first. It’s something I can’t change, at least not that easily. It’s not like I don’t think I deserve it. Rather, it’s because I know how hard it is to not love yourself and to feel worthless. I know what that feels like to the point that I just want to love everyone. I want them to know that they are loved and that they are worth it. But often times, I get so caught up in loving others that I forget how to love myself. This is just a habit that I have trouble changing. It would be nice to have someone there to remind me how to love myself. It would be nice to have someone there who would do the same for me as I do for others. It would be extremely nice to even have someone that I can really count on and talked to about everything.

It just scares me that this person might not exist or rather this person might not live up to these expectations I have. Not for my sake, but for theirs. Because when other people expect a lot out of you, it makes you feel suffocated and almost tied down. I don’t want to make anyone feel that way. I don’t want my expectations to stop someone from growing and from experiencing all the things they could be experiencing.

I hope this is legitimate fear.

For the past few days, I just feel lonely. I know there’s a part of me missing and a part of me that just wants somebody special in my life. I want to share my world with someone else, yet I don’t even know if I’m ready for it. Maybe that’s how I know I’m not ready for it. I mean, if I did know, I wouldn’t be doubting right?

I just hope that I will find that special someone whether it’s now or later. I just don’t want to end up all alone in such a big world.