this is my depression

depression can manifest itself in different ways without you realizing it until your world starts crashing down onto you

Sometimes there’s no coherent way of putting how you feel on the inside in words that somehow make sense. Sometimes how you feel on the inside doesn’t even make sense.

Right now, I should be extremely happy in my life. I have friends in college that I know I can trust and rely on. My relationship with my family has never been more healthy. I have a boyfriend that loves me very much that tries to support me and to make me special at every chance he has.

But…I’m not happy.

I have everything I ever wanted. A good relationship with my family, supportive friends, and loving boyfriend, but I don’t understand why I’m always so depressed. I don’t understand why I feel so inadequate all the time. Everything seems to bring me down, and I feel like I can’t escape these thoughts and feelings.

I hate being so negative like this. I hate that people have to deal with this.

I feel like even though I have everything, I have nothing at all. After all, if I did have everything, why do I still feel so empty? Why does it feel like I’m so alone in this world?

I just want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. And I am very well aware that this is just my depression talking. But sometimes I wonder if this depression will ever leave me or will it always sit in the back of my mind waiting for me to breakdown?

 

 

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If I had drown that day…

Everything comes to an end at one point or another.

I wonder if I had drown that day what would today been like? Who would miss me?

For those who wanted me to be happy, whose happiness do you really want: yours or mine? If the happiness is mine, why didn’t you ever ask me if I am alright? Why did you just assume that I’m always going to be fine? Why do you believe and buy into that lie even when I told you time after time all I want is to die?

If I had drown that day would my body sink or would I float away?

I don’t know the science behind it, but there’s a beauty in death. There’s a beauty in the moment before death that is so hard to explain and to understand. You realize all the good, the bad, the grateful, and the ungrateful moments of your life. They flash by, reminding you what it is like to still be alive. But then comes the peace, the acceptance, and the moment where you just let go of everything and let it happen. You realize you no longer have to deal with it all. That you are finally free from the bondage that you entrapped yourself with.

If I had drown that day maybe I would have found a sense of peace.

But if I had drown that day, would my only regret be that I didn’t drown myself sooner? Or would my only regret be that I couldn’t love myself the way I loved others even at the very end.

 


 

Reading this was really hard.

It’s something I wrote the day after Valentine’s Day when I suddenly remembered the day I wanted to drown myself at the beach. I was with someone that I secretly loved, and his presence stopped me. For the longest time, I believed he was the reason why I didn’t decide to off myself that day. He became the reason why I wanted to continue living. Little did I know, putting my self-worth and my will to live in others will only result in heartbreak and further depression.

Because when you put your self-worth and your will to live in the hands of others, it won’t make you feel better in the long run. Because when they’re gone, you’re back to square one again. And sometimes, when you’re unlucky, you’re even much further back on the path you started on. But in the end, no matter what you did or didn’t do, you have to learn from your past experience. And trust me, I did.

But whenever I feel down I just start to think what if I had drown that day…would I be happier? I guess the answer is

I don’t know.

I don’t know what would have happened, and I’m glad I’m in a place right now where I can confidently say,

I don’t care if I would have been happier.

I don’t care about the hypotheticals, because right now I can see all the people I have in my life. I can see all the possibilities that have yet to come. I can see my own happiness in the palms of my hand. And it’s safe to say that if I had drown that day…

I will never live to see how happy I am today.

What “love” feels like

Love feels wonderful. It makes you feel like you deserve all the good things in your life despite of your shortcomings. Loves feels inviting. It makes you vulnerable to the people around you that cares and allows you to trust again. Love is limitless. With it, there’s nothing you can’t do. There’s no sky you can’t reach. There’s no dreams that’s too big.

But a love like that has never existed for me.

I thought it did, but most of it was just me being delusional. Most of it was just me hoping that I might mean the world to someone. Or maybe most of it was just my unfortunate luck with those who took advantage of my feelings and my love.

I wish I had at least my family there for me, but truth be told, they were the first to hurt me on so many different levels. And when I tried to find refuge in other people, I was faced with the same pain again. People are cruel. Sometimes people are just a reproduction of what their family have done to them and what their family is like.

Some people don’t understand what a blessing it is to be loved, to be cared for, to matter to someone- especially someone that matters to you. Some people don’t understand how hard it is to be the perfect child and to be happy all the time because you know if you aren’t, it’ll break your family’s heart. So even in the darkest time, you can’t even go to them for comfort. You rather keep up the facade because the pain is easier to bare with than the pain of watching those you love cry.

And I hate that about me sometimes. That I want to run to them crying, but I don’t due to fact that I’m scared. I’m scared because I know if they don’t give me the support I want and need, I will only end up distancing myself from them even more. I’m scared that I’ll have to keep up the act of being a strong person. But if there’s anything I learned in life so far, it’s that even the strongest thing breaks. It’s just a matter of when.

And I’m breaking. My depression erodes away my sanity and my mind, one sadness at a time. And in moments like this, I can’t help but ask myself, “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” I can’t help but scream at the world for making me go through so much. For making me wonder what I ever did to deserve all of this pain.

It just overtakes me. Like a blackhole, sucking me into the void that exists at the bottom of my heart. It’s like I’m trying to walk forward, but I end up cutting off my own leg off cause gods know why? Maybe because I’m a masochistic bitch that just wants to see myself suffer as I try to escape the inevitable.

Maybe it’s because I’m scared that if I move on, there will be nothing waiting for me on the other side. That even then, I will still be empty and still be unloved, and there’s nothing I can ever do to change that. I’m scared that even in my own story, I will continue being the side-character that no one ever pays attention to- that ends up being the bad person every time because I’m misunderstood.

And I’m so tired of being misunderstood by those I care about and love. I’m so tired of being abused by people and having them tell me that it was “love”, that they did it because it was “my fault”, that I made them to do it, that it’s because I wasn’t good enough for make them treat me otherwise.

I’m tired of shouldering other people’s pain and carrying it as my own. I’m just so tired of everything that I cut myself off from my emotions so I could be empty.

I’m tired of having to feel empty in order to not feel pain.

I just want this to stop, but I don’t know how.

My brother once told me that if you hit your bruises over and over again, it will just become numb. And I guess without realizing, I started doing that too. I keep hitting all the bruises people had given me, hoping that maybe one day, I can numb out the pain.

But I wonder, where did their inflicted pain end and where did my self-inflicted pain begin?