to leave and to stay

life really boils down to a few moments.

some people aren’t meant to stay.

some people only stay in our memories, floating aimlessly, making us wonder why they exist in the first place.

some people leave.

and to me that is something that i’ll never get used to. don’t get me wrong, i love it. because when people leave, they leave behind traces of them, sometimes more visible than we think. but you see when people leave, you don’t know when they are coming back or if they are coming back at all.

when people leave they take pieces of you with them. pieces that you might never see again, or maybe you will but just in another person. and maybe that person only acquired that piece from someone who was once involved with you or even someone who was once involved with the person that was involved with you. you won’t know and there is no way to know.

when people leave they are neither happy or sad because leaving is never easy. it’s a lot of denial mixed with both pleasure and disappointment. it’s a lot of recognizing that you can have more without always having to know if what you have now is enough.

when people leave they make a gamble, a risky one too. you can’t just write out the pros and cons. the future is uncertain and anything can happen for better and for worse.

sometimes when people leave they realize they wanted to stay

but when people stay they forget what it’s like to leave. when people stay they forget that they, themselves, have a choice. they forget that maybe things don’t have to last forever for it to mean something. that you can enjoy the moments spent together and still look forward to the moments that have yet to come.

when people stay they cling on to the hope that everything will be the same but it’s not and it won’t be because nothing will ever be the same. life is always going to be ever-changing. those around you will also change whether you are ready or not. the world will not stop for you and it will definitely not stop for those around you.

when people stay they over-estimate their ability and under-estimate their needs. sometimes you need to put yourself first and be by yourself, alone, individually. you know, that solo life where you make decisions that empower you.

but sometimes when people stay things will get better. people are gonna be happy again. life will go back to the way it has always been. and when that happens it’s great

but you need to ask yourself if you need to stay to wait for things to get better. you need to ask yourself why can’t you leave? why is leaving a lesser option? why is leaving such a negative thing when others have no trouble doing so?

sometimes leaving and staying is less about pleasure or pain but more about empowerment.

sometimes leaving and staying is about the choices you make in those little moments that will close but at the same time open doors to new opportunities, new people, and new experiences.

so why stay?

why stay when they have so desperately wanted to leave…



My Silver Lining

Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go.

Sometimes we win some and sometimes we lose some. Sometimes living doesn’t seem like an option even though we know it is ultimately a choice we get to choose, but how can we possibly choose life when death seems so appealing?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been going down an emotional rollercoaster: from breaking up with my boyfriend to losing my job as well as trying to commit suicide a few times. Life hasn’t been easy for me, and over time it seems like every bad thing will push me over the edge. It seems like I lost all hope in myself and in what life has to offer if all I ever get is pain and suffering.

But the amazing thing about life is that you find things when you least expected.

And I found it.

I found my silver lining.

I never had a person in my life that treated me so well and made me feel like I could be enough. The person lights up my day, and it’s comforting to know that I can rely on the, when time gets hard. It’s comforting to know that we can talk to each other as if we’re equals. They remind me constantly the things I need to remember or to be told when I’m breaking down or feeling suicidal, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I know in the end, their words won’t change how I feel about myself. No one can make me feel a way I don’t want to feel or I don’t already feel. But to just simply have a reminder that I am special to someone and that I am important and amazing makes me feel like maybe my existence had meant and will continue to mean something to someone.

I’m far from being okay, and I know I’m still struggling just to get by. But it helps to know that I won’t have to always fight this battle alone. And it makes me cry just being able to admit that out loud and just being able to see myself in a better light even if that light may fade over time.

I just feel grateful I got to meet this person. I’m grateful of all the times we spent together and effort they have put into helping me. I know if they are going through something, I will be there in a heart beat. I will even fight whoever hurt them. Okay, maybe not physically fight, but I will be protect them.

I know my silver lining isn’t much.

It’s not a feeling nor a  thought, let alone an epiphany.

It’s just a reminder that even when things seem hopeless, even when I’m ready to give up on myself, there is someone out there that isn’t ready to give up on me. 

And maybe that’s enough to make someone feel wanted- to make someone want to fight for their future.

No, I know it’s enough.

It’s more than enough.

So I just want to say…

Thank you so much, my silver lining

You will always be in my heart.


Why I cut you out

If there’s anything to know about me, it is that I am too understanding and too forgiving. Often time, I go out of my way to make the people I care about feel special, loved, cared for, appreciated, etc. However, not only do these people hurt me time after time, they like to uphold double standards and label them as signs of affection.

Now, I know I’m not a perfect person. In fact, I’m far from perfect. There are many instances where I can be a hypocrite, and I’m not proud of it. It upsets me to know that I am acting and being a certain type of person I don’t exactly like or aspire to be. And I do beat myself up more than I should for every single mistake I make.

With that said, let me get to the main point. The reason why I cut you off is the simple fact that I have given you so many chances, yet you do not change. I want to move forward with my life, and I want to grow with the people around me. I don’t want to be held back or feel like I am holding someone back. It’s not particularly a nice feeling if you ask me. And to be blunt, you hold me back. Not only with your insecurities, but with your hatred towards yourself that you project onto everything you see.

Yes, it’s tiring. You say that you’re only being yourself, but I think you’re wrong. You’re not being yourself. You need to know that your insecurities are not actually you, but until you realize that, you will always make yourself act out based on your insecurities. And that itself is tiring. It’s tiring to see you go down the same destructive path over and over again only to have you say that it is something you cannot control. It’s tiring to be there for you when you do not show any appreciation for it. I am a busy person, and I’m putting my time aside for you because I care and because I love you. But if you aren’t grateful for that- if you take that for granted, then you can’t blame me when I say I’m fed up with it.

It wouldn’t bother me as much if you didn’t go around saying how great these other friends of yours are. I’m sure they are great, and I’m sure you let them know a lot of the times. But as a friend that has known you for awhile, it hurts. It hurts me to know that you talk to me only when you’re feeling depressed and/or suicidal. It hurts me to know that you only talk to me to complain about how other people have hurt you once again when you are actively putting your self-worth in them. It hurts me to know that if those two things don’t happen, I don’t exist.

And even I am there for you, I am unappreciated. Remember that time when you left me in the middle of the very serious conversation of you telling me that you were suicidal and you were going to carry out your plans? Yeah, that conversation- the one where you suddenly ghost on me. Imagine how I felt, how scared I was for your safety, how badly I wanted to make sure you were okay. Instead of telling me that you were gonna go or that you were going to be fine at least for the next hour or two, I had to find out through your snapchat story that your friends from college came to visit. I had to find out through snapchat that you captioned the footage “This is what true friendship is” or something along those lines.

Yes, I was happy you are okay. Yes, I was happy that your friends showed up and was there for you. But what about me? I was there for you for almost 4 hours straight, trying to be as supportive as I could have been. It felt like once they were there, you didn’t need me anymore. And it almost always felt like that. It’s either you come to me in those times or you don’t come to me at all. I’m sorry if it hurts you to know that I feel like I deserve a better friendship than that.

I’m also very sick of how I go out of my way to help you out of kindness and out of our long friendship, but you act like it’s a given. I’m not asking you to constantly remind me that you are grateful, but don’t you think it’s a bit insulting that you’re constantly saying how great these friends are when you barely ever tell me that? Or do you just assume that I knew? Because I’m here to tell you that obviously, I didn’t know.

You once asked me why people eventually leaves you. Maybe it’s time to look within yourself. Maybe it’s time to realize that believe it or not, you’re selfish and you hold a grudge against people. I think you can’t let things go because you don’t believe that justice has been upheld for you. But have you ever stop and wonder that maybe you’re the toxic one? And I’m not here shitting on you. I’ve been there. I have been the toxic one many times, and although I may not be proud of it, I embraced that fact because it reminds me that I can be flawed and that I can cause a lot of emotional damage to someone as well. I think if anything that’s just self-awareness. Knowing when you are at fault and owning up to it, instead of trying to find blame in others so you don’t have to take any personal responsibilities in working to change those bad and unhealthy behaviors.

Long story short, these things are not what drove me to cut you out of my life. What drove me is the lack of change and the lack of appreciation. Friendship is a two-way street and that can be said about any relationships. And yeah, I don’t think this friendship is a two-way street. And I’m sorry that this is going to hurt, but I rather be real about it than to make up some bullshit that we have grown apart.

Do You Always…?

“Do you always think about boys?”

Somebody asked me this yesterday, to which I found absolutely amusing. Somehow, someone had the misconception that I am constantly thinking about boys.

To be fair, I can totally see how they ended up with that conclusion. Majority of the time when I talk to my friends, we end up having girl talk, especially the ones about boys. Now, I’m not the one that’s always talking about them. In actuality, often time my friends are the ones that are asking for advice or sharing the latest update on their relationships. But nevertheless, I still find it amusing that somebody actually thought that my life revolved around boys.

First of all, I don’t like using the term “boy” in this context because I don’t like boys to begin with. I like men as cheesy and cliche as that may sound. There’s nothing wrong with boys, except the fact that I am not romantically attracted to someone who is more inclined to be immature. Generally as a rule of thumb, when people age they become more mature. Hence the reason why I like to say that I tend to be attracted to “men” rather than the “boys” my age.

Strangely enough, I cannot see a guy my age (18 or 19 years old) as a man. Unfortunately, I tend to generalize guys during this age as an “immature horny dude that will do it with anything that moves” or as my generation and future generation call it, a “fuck boy”. Okay, I know I’m going too far, and it is extremely unfair to categorize guys into this stereotype that a good majority of guys do not even fit into. It is the same thing as categorizing girls who have multiple sexual partners in their lives as a “slut”. There shouldn’t be a double standard in which it is okay to label either male or female as “slut” or “fuck boy”. I guess we just do it so naturally that we forget that it is wrong to do so.

I’m getting a bit off tangent. What I’m trying to say is that even though there are these negative stereotypes out there for both gender, I think we can all agree on the fact that when you are younger, you don’t know what you truly want and truly need. Most of us at this age are either consumed by having the time of our lives or by working our ass off to get into Graduate school, Medical school, or the work force. I think there are only a select few that really know themselves well, and by that I do not just mean what they want in life. I’m talking about being in tune and in touch with not only their outer-self but also their inner-self.

Some of us do not even understand our feelings or what we’re feeling, and some of us don’t even bother trying to understand why we even feel that way. I think out of the many ways that make me different from my peers, this is one of the big ones. I always felt like I am an old soul. From a young age, I already learned how to tune in to not only my emotions, but the emotions of others. As a result, I think that made me less comfortable with being with people my age. Many of us don’t see how detrimental our words and our actions can be, and some of us don’t even care that it can hurt people. That in return makes me hesitant to befriend others or to associate myself with them.

Some people will talk shit about others in order to give them a few seconds of gratification and self-worth. Some people will throw tantrum if things do not go the way they wanted it go. A lot of people will put their self-worth and other people’s self-worth solely based on the way they look and the way they dress. It’s almost childish to me to see people behave in such a way. I have to constantly remind myself that even in college, there are still tons of immature people out there. I have to constantly remind myself that I shouldn’t judge them or treat them any differently or any less because they still haven’t fully mature yet. Hell, I haven’t even fully matured yet. And the thing is we all have to go through this cycle from childhood to adulthood at one point or another. We’re not that different from each other.

My problem isn’t that people can be immature. My problem is that because I’m surrounded by a good handful of people that can act very immature to the point that often time, I find myself having to conform to that immaturity for the sake of fitting in. I crack sexual jokes in the middle of lecture because I think my classmate might get a laugh out of it even though I know it’s inappropriate in both context and setting. It’s just this never-ending cycle of me conforming to how other people act just to make some friends.

Even then, only my best friends that I made in high school know who I really am. They know that I enjoy long deep talks about the meaning of life, the meaning of love, the meaning of just everything. They know that I am a deep person that feels everything. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s actually quite amazing. As much as I dislike getting dirty, there is just something about sinking your feet into the earth. It’s comforting, and it’s just an incredible way to ground yourself in times of stress.

See…my outer persona will never allow me to be this open and this deep or whatnot when I talk to people. The impressions I leave on people are usually too strong for them to see me in another light. In a way, it is almost twice as heart-breaking to see me break down and cry my eyes out. Normally, I come off as someone who is very confident and someone who is independent, so whenever I let my emotions show, people are surprised.

I guess I should get back to the main point. I don’t always think about guys nor does my life revolve around them. Take this as an example. My focus was on how I felt like I cannot connect to people my age. This is actually something that is constantly on my mind. This is a problem that I’ve been trying to find a solution to for ages.

For example, I kind of lock myself in my own room because I’m so used to being alone. Whenever I am in the common room with hall mates, I feel this pressure to be someone and something that I’m not. And I get awkward about it.  I don’t know what to say. I just sit there quietly, sometimes with my laptop or phone. Other times, I will crack a joke here and there or join in on the conversation only to leave a few minutes afterward.

I don’t understand how people make friends so easily through small talk. Maybe I just crave another kind of friendship. The one that is rich and filled with love and everlasting bond. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having small talk here and there. However, it’s just not fulfilling for someone like me. I just want to dive into the deep end. I want to know what the person values or what they’re thinking in their mind. I want to know how they perceive life and how they cope and compromise when life throws itself at us.

So yeah…I wonder if anybody else feels the same.

I mean this is still the first quarter. Maybe I’ll meet someone on campus that understand exactly what I’m talking about. And if such person or people exist(s), it would be really nice to get to know them, and it would be really nice for them to get to know me. You know, the other part of me that I normally don’t show to others.

And I wonder if any of my college friends are surprised by the things I write about on here. I wonder if they ever saw me as a person that would feel such a way.



p.s. I love how the grammar is so inconsistent in this blog post. It just jumps all over the place. It’s great.