Lately, I spend too much time thinking about the past.
I think I’ve been so busy with school work and extracurriculars that everything is coming down on me at once. And as these things happen, I can’t help but think of you.
I miss the old times when you and I will hang out every other night and just talk. I miss being able to just talk. I miss sitting in a car with someone and talking to them about anything. I miss that deep yet spontaneous part of life, but let me be clear about one thing. I don’t miss you.
I just miss having someone like that to spend my day and night with. I think college is a bit different. Even back in high school, I took time to skip class, to go out at night, and to have fun. Now, I just stay in my dorm all the time. I know I have to put myself out there to meet people, but it seems like no one I’ve met so far is interested in going out or hanging out at night. Everyone seems to academically driven that it’s their top priorities.
With you at least, you put aside college work to hang out with me while I put aside high school work for you. It wasn’t the best thing to do academically, but we had so much fun. Now, I just miss being able to do that with people. A part of me is so scared that I’ll never find someone like that again in my life.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had told you that I liked you. It seems like unspoken words may lead to regret. It has never stopped bothering me, especially the fact that when I stopped talking to you, you and your girlfriend finally worked out. It’s like you no longer had another person by your side confusing your feelings. At the same time, if what we had made you questioned what you had with her, do you even love her as much as you claim?
I walked away so you would realize that the one you love and the one you want is her. I did it all for you even though it may have hurt you, yet you still look at me as this cruel person. I did my best for the both of your guys’ happiness. Why do you call me selfish? I have been nothing but selfless. I let go when I wanted to hang on.
But a part of me regret not telling you my feelings sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything, but maybe I wouldn’t feel like everything could have been different. Now that you two are spend your life together like a happily ever after fairytale, I just feel like something is missing in my life.
I just dislike how it’s going to be 2 years soon, yet it still sits on the back of my mind