If you could read my mind

If you could read my mind, maybe for once in my life, I will have someone that can understand just what it is that drives me insane

If you could read my mind, maybe then you’ll realize just how vulnerable and how scared I am of the things that may come true and of things that may never come true

If you could read my mind, maybe you’ll see why I get so sensitive

If you could read my mind, maybe this wouldn’t be so vague

But truth be told, if you could read my mind, I don’t think you’ll like what you’ll find

It’s a dark place where happiness exist as a rare commodity

It’s a lonely place where the only form of “self-love” is self-harm

And if you could read my mind, maybe you’ll start to understand why

Why loving you is slowly eating me alive


the black and white (and gray) of love

For me, love is like action potential: it’s all or nothing.

It’s either I love you or I don’t.

For the past two years, I’ve been describing my experience with love this way, but it didn’t occur to me until tonight that it hasn’t always been this way. The younger me will probably tell you all about the crushes I had. I mean for god sake there was a boy I was “in love” with for four years.

To the younger me, that was love. To the current me, it was nothing more but a silly crush that lasted longer than it should have. But just because it isn’t love to me now doesn’t mean it wasn’t love at one point. I wonder if the definition of love changes as we get older and as we experience more of what life has to offer.

A part of me feels like I constantly try to define what “love” is in order to make sense of it all. It’s a defense mechanism almost. Whatever and whoever doesn’t fit my definition of love is filtered out. I don’t want to waste my time nor my emotion. It is only when I find someone that makes me feel a particular way, a way that resonates with my definition of “feeling love”, that I truly start investing. But then there’s that defense mechanism again. I tell myself that love for me is like action potential. So if I can’t see myself loving them years from now, if I can’t see myself loving them every second of the day, if I can’t see myself being overwhelmed by the feeling of love then it isn’t love. It can’t be love.

I won’t let it be love.

In order to protect myself from any potential heartbreak and disappointment, I purposely limit myself to knowing one type of love. I only allow myself to practice and to seek unconditional love. Maybe it’s because it’s something I don’t have but wishes to have.

While this is not bad thing, I start to wonder to myself whether or not I’m missing out.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to not like someone so much but then grow to love them with all my heart. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to date where love isn’t the main goal or main focus. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just be with someone and walk through life together, knowing that we will part ways shortly and be happy that we had each other by our side during the journey.

Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just live.

But maybe I’m not missing out on anything either. Maybe I got here today, because I already knew what it was like. Maybe I think this way, because it’s not wrong to be idealistic and to have standards. Maybe I’m just overthinking it again like I always do, but I know one thing for sure.

I don’t go out seeking love because the love I seek is so rare to come by that it must be developed with special care. One wrong move, and it wouldn’t be there.

But then again, maybe my action of deciding so early that something isn’t love has been and will continue to be a force that causes me to miss out on opportunities to foster something meaningful. But even if that is true, if something that could have been meaningful can disappear so easily, maybe it was never meant to be.

So here I go again with my idealistic view of love.

I wonder if I will still feel the same a year from now.

Maybe it’ll change.

Who knows.


A Sleepless Night and an Epiphany

A few days ago, I gave my friend some advice on this guy she likes:

All im thinking right now is that if he is fearful of rejection, I wonder if that is just the normal fear of rejection or if there’s more to it. Like past influence? Things in life that made him who he is today. Because all of us go through stuff that shape who we are today. With regards to our past, some of us forget it, some of us ignore it, some of us remember it, and some of us are still stuck in it.

I can still feel myself in that moment, talking about my experience. I can feel myself almost venting about what I’ve gone through.

Be honest with him, ask him how he feels, and let him know that it wasn’t easy telling him how you feel. this requires a lot of vulnerability, and it may mean that you may get more hurt. But sometimes, someone has to be more vulnerable first. And if he ain’t willing to be that vulnerable, it says more about him than you.

But it wasn’t until this message that I finally realized that it is time to take my own advice.

I’ve felt so angry at myself for the past few months. I’ve felt like a horrible person for not understanding where he was coming from all the time. I’ve felt like I was just not good enough for him and never good enough for anybody. Little did I know, that wasn’t true.

You see there are so many things that we may blame ourselves for that have little to do with us. I mean come on, if we, ourselves, project our problems and feelings onto others, what’s to say they won’t do that to us? Maybe it wasn’t our fault after all, and maybe it was never our fault to begin with. Maybe it’s just another person struggling with their own emotions and problems while they try to navigate through their life.

And that is okay. That is perfectly okay. But we don’t have to stay with them through it all. We are not obligated to stay with them even if we are together with them. Yes, when things get rough, you should ride it out, but at what point does it become just another thing to do? At what point does it become another thing to put up with? A relationship shouldn’t be like that, and that goes for both platonic and romantic ones.

We shouldn’t ever feel like we are limited or bounded just because we are in a relationship. It shouldn’t feel like balls and chains. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life not cause you to be more stressed and more emotionally drained. Yet at the same time, relationships aren’t easy. It wasn’t meant to be easy.

But it’s your choice whether or not you want to stick it out or if you want to leave, and it’s just as much of a choice for them to decide that as well. And whatever you decide and whatever they decide, it’s out of each other control.

In the end, what they do says more about themselves, and what you do says more about yourself.

So stop blaming others and stop blaming yourself. It’s only going to cause you more pain.

And I’ve had so unfortunately caused myself so much pain



Unspoken Words May Lead to Regret

Lately, I spend too much time thinking about the past.

I think I’ve been so busy with school work and extracurriculars that everything is coming down on me at once. And as these things happen, I can’t help but think of you.

I miss the old times when you and I will hang out every other night and just talk. I miss being able to just talk. I miss sitting in a car with someone and talking to them about anything. I miss that deep yet spontaneous part of life, but let me be clear about one thing. I don’t miss you.

I just miss having someone like that to spend my day and night with. I think college is a bit different. Even back in high school, I took time to skip class, to go out at night, and to have fun. Now, I just stay in my dorm all the time. I know I have to put myself out there to meet people, but it seems like no one I’ve met so far is interested in going out or hanging out at night. Everyone seems to academically driven that it’s their top priorities.

With you at least, you put aside college work to hang out with me while I put aside high school work for you. It wasn’t the best thing to do academically, but we had so much fun. Now, I just miss being able to do that with people. A part of me is so scared that I’ll never find someone like that again in my life.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had told you that I liked you. It seems like unspoken words may lead to regret. It has never stopped bothering me, especially the fact that when I stopped talking to you, you and your girlfriend finally worked out. It’s like you no longer had another person by your side confusing your feelings. At the same time, if what we had made you questioned what you had with her, do you even love her as much as you claim?

I walked away so you would realize that the one you love and the one you want is her. I did it all for you even though it may have hurt you, yet you still look at me as this cruel person.  I did my best for the both of your guys’ happiness. Why do you call me selfish? I have been nothing but selfless. I let go when I wanted to hang on.

But a part of me regret not telling you my feelings sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything, but maybe I wouldn’t feel like everything could have been different. Now that you two are spend your life together like a happily ever after fairytale, I just feel like something is missing in my life.

I just dislike how it’s going to be 2 years soon, yet it still sits on the back of my mind


if you ask me

If you ask me who he is, I wouldn’t be able to be tell you who.

You see, I was “in love” with this guy over a year ago. He became everything to me. I am who I am today because of him. That’s how much he has impacted my life. He taught me how to laugh, how to smile, how to cry, how to be angry, and how to stand up for myself. He also showed me the little things in life. The things that matter the most in the end.

We used to go out every other night. We would be in his car driving around as we talk about the meaning of life. We would stay up until it was way too late, especially for a high schooler like me at the time. But it was nice. It was nice to be able to have someone that I can just relax around with. Someone I can cry to and know that they won’t judge me or love me any less because of it.

He used to care a lot about me too. He used to make me feel like the most special person in the world. I was the only person he texted. I was the only person he felt comfortable sharing everything with. I was his support and he was mine as well. He loved me more than he wanted to, and he showed it without even realizing it himself until it was too late. The fact he would blow off his family to be there for me. The fact that he drove back in the middle of the night to make sure I was alright after having a huge fight with each other. The fact that he was always with me even when we’re hanging out his girlfriend and his ex. Didn’t that mean something?

He somehow always found his way to me. He always sat next to me in the car. He always walked alongside me. He always crouched next to me and lay his head on the table while I’m sitting there doing my homework. He always tried his best for me even when I was being very unreasonable.

But I couldn’t get over the fact that I was never going to be enough for him. That the one he loves is never going to be me. It was always her. He always chose her in the end. I was just a substitute, and when she was back in the picture, he put her first like he should have done in the first place, but it hurt.

It hurt because I was spending time with him every other day while they only talk on the phone once or twice a week. It hurt because he talked about how he feels like he can be himself around me better than he can be himself around her. It hurt because for the first time in my life, I never felt that kind of connection with someone, and I didn’t want to ruin the friendship that we had. I thought that being friends was enough for me, and it was. I never actually wanted to be more than friends. I just wanted to spend time with him as long as possible and as much as possible before it all ends.

So if you ask me who he is, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Because to be frank,  I still don’t know who he is. I thought I knew, and I think it’s becoming easier to figure out who he is or who he was back then. But I honestly just don’t care anymore. I don’t have the urge or the need to figure out what kind of person he is now. I just don’t give a shit about him. I gave a shit about the friendship we had- about all the moments we spent together, but not him.

He put me through hell in the last few weeks of the friendship. He yelled at me, screamed at me, and even wanted to hit me. He constantly put me down and told me how cruel and how manipulative I was. What was it?

“If I come to you now, are you going to hurt me? Are you going to be cruel like the cruel person that you are?”

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I’m sitting on my bed right now writing this as I spend another Saturday night alone. I can feel the loneliness eating me up slowly one by one as our memories flash before my eyes. And I’m highly confused. Because I miss those moments and the connection that we had, and I wish to be able to experience all of it again. But not with you.

I want to experience it with him. I want to spend the night with him. I want to talk about the meaning of life with him. I want to see him smile. I want to hug him, and I want him to hug me back. I want to love him and give him everything even if he can never give as much back. I want him. And if it ever came down to it, I would choose him over you any day.


But the funny thing is…

he didn’t choose me either