For me, love is like action potential: it’s all or nothing.
It’s either I love you or I don’t.
For the past two years, I’ve been describing my experience with love this way, but it didn’t occur to me until tonight that it hasn’t always been this way. The younger me will probably tell you all about the crushes I had. I mean for god sake there was a boy I was “in love” with for four years.
To the younger me, that was love. To the current me, it was nothing more but a silly crush that lasted longer than it should have. But just because it isn’t love to me now doesn’t mean it wasn’t love at one point. I wonder if the definition of love changes as we get older and as we experience more of what life has to offer.
A part of me feels like I constantly try to define what “love” is in order to make sense of it all. It’s a defense mechanism almost. Whatever and whoever doesn’t fit my definition of love is filtered out. I don’t want to waste my time nor my emotion. It is only when I find someone that makes me feel a particular way, a way that resonates with my definition of “feeling love”, that I truly start investing. But then there’s that defense mechanism again. I tell myself that love for me is like action potential. So if I can’t see myself loving them years from now, if I can’t see myself loving them every second of the day, if I can’t see myself being overwhelmed by the feeling of love then it isn’t love. It can’t be love.
I won’t let it be love.
In order to protect myself from any potential heartbreak and disappointment, I purposely limit myself to knowing one type of love. I only allow myself to practice and to seek unconditional love. Maybe it’s because it’s something I don’t have but wishes to have.
While this is not bad thing, I start to wonder to myself whether or not I’m missing out.
Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to not like someone so much but then grow to love them with all my heart. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to date where love isn’t the main goal or main focus. Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just be with someone and walk through life together, knowing that we will part ways shortly and be happy that we had each other by our side during the journey.
Maybe I’m missing out on what it’s like to just live.
But maybe I’m not missing out on anything either. Maybe I got here today, because I already knew what it was like. Maybe I think this way, because it’s not wrong to be idealistic and to have standards. Maybe I’m just overthinking it again like I always do, but I know one thing for sure.
I don’t go out seeking love because the love I seek is so rare to come by that it must be developed with special care. One wrong move, and it wouldn’t be there.
But then again, maybe my action of deciding so early that something isn’t love has been and will continue to be a force that causes me to miss out on opportunities to foster something meaningful. But even if that is true, if something that could have been meaningful can disappear so easily, maybe it was never meant to be.
So here I go again with my idealistic view of love.
I wonder if I will still feel the same a year from now.
Maybe it’ll change.