Come to terms

My finals for this quarter have officially ended. Tomorrow, I’m going to fly back home. It’s going to be the last time I get to stay in that house.

It’s really upsetting if I have to be honest here.

I’ve lived in that house for about 8 years. That is the same amount of years I’ve lived in the apartment with my dad before my parents divorced. It’s scary that I have to leave behind another home of mine again.

Now, moving is no stranger to me. Before officially settling down in California, I lived in Houston, Texas for almost 4 months. I was only 8 years old and spoke zero English. To me, Houston was the beginning of my life in America until I was told by my mother that we were relocating once again to California where my future stepdad and his kids awaited us.

I used to get really bad nightmares. In those nightmares, I could never find my parents nor could I find anybody that existed. There I was, in the middle of the alleyway where I used to live in Taiwan, alone and frighten. I would tried to run up the stairs to the fifth floor where we lived, but no matter how hard I tried, the fifth floor did not exist and the stairs never end.

It just kept going,

and I just kept going.

Crying and trying so hard to find my family. To find my home. To find anybody that’s there that can comfort me. I felt so alone and so scared in those nightmares. In fact, I actually started to dislike stairs. I would avoid staircases, because it made me feel as if the moment I set foot on it, I might never reach the end.

But I discovered later that I was just lost and confused. I didn’t know where home was. Home was already America, yet a part of my heart still clung to the home in Taiwan- only to find that there is no home for me there anymore. That’s the realization I came to, and that is still the realization I am living by.

It’s just…how do I explain it?

You know how people say some issues are created as a result of the heart and the mind wanting different things? Well, what do you do when it is solely your heart that wants different things? What do you do when it is no longer a fight between you and someone else, but a fight between yourself?

I don’t know what to do. I still don’t.

The fact that I have to move again and leave behind this house- this place filled with so many memories both good and bad. How could I possibly do it so easily? I grew up here. I practically died and got reborn here many different times in the sense that I learned so many lessons in life during my stay here to the point that it is almost the birthplace of who I am now.

The birthplace of who I was as a 8 year old was not America. It was Taiwan. And the birthplace of who I am now as 19 year old is in that house located in Northern California.

Having to say goodbye to all I ever known all over again causes me tremendous stress, and there is nothing I can really do about it. This is beyond my control. But I’m a bit stronger now than before. In the past, I would just repressed all these feelings, but now, I’m writing about them.

I’m sure that if I keep taking these baby steps every single day, I will get there eventually, and I will come to terms with all these emotions and bitterness about having to leave. For the time being, I just need to cherish all the time I have left with my family and with that house.

And remember that this is just another lessons life is trying to teach.