I hate falling: falling in love, falling in pieces, falling down, etc you name it, but as much as I hate falling, I hate getting up.
I hate getting back up after I’ve been kicked down. Maybe “kicked down” is a exaggeration.
Worn down by emotional erosion.
That has a better ring to it. I just hate having to be okay over and over again, and not even for other people’s sake but for my own. Because sometimes denying yourself the ability to feel and lying to yourself that you are alright are the only ways you can possibly cope with the loneliness, the loss, the lies, and the truth. The truth that is always being distorted in your own mind because the other person’s explanation is simply not enough. It’s not enough to explain why they don’t love you enough to want to be with you, so you turn inward, looking for something that’s usually and indefinitely the flaws and the insecurities that you tried so hard to pretend that you have already overcome.
And it’s so hard at that moment of life when you just want to curl up into a ball and die. Because everything feels better than beating yourself up for trusting in the life that everyone tells you that you deserve. The life filled with love and happiness that has always been so foreign to you. So as you face this pain again you wonder why you constantly put yourself into a position of vulnerability for the hopes that maybe someday someone will treat you right and be with you. But as you wonder more and more, the only answer that seems plausible is that you are naïve and that you are stupid for thinking it could ever happen to you. And as you get more engulf in this bottomless hole, you continue to keep looking down, wondering if it could get any worse.
Never once do you realize that if you just look up, you will see the endless possibilities that are waiting ahead of you.
Or maybe you do realize that this is not the end and that this is just temporary, just a little set back in the grand scheme of things. However, it doesn’t alleviate the emotions and thoughts you’re feeling and acting upon on. Sometimes knowing is just simply not enough. Sometimes the pain is so great that it is all that you think about and all that you feel, despite knowing it will get better. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself trapped in your own self-destructive thoughts, wanting to escape but not knowing or believing that there’s anything left or anything waiting for you once you do.
But as much as I hate falling and getting back up, it is also in these moments that I rediscover the amount of love and hope I have for myself and for this world.
It is in these moments that I truly believe I deserved better than what I have been given.
And just that statement, that feeling, and that thought alone helps me get through the rough time and the good times that have yet to come.