2.6.18 | 12:10 pm

It feels like high school all over again.

The people I call my friends feel so distant at times because well, they have their own friends, friends that are closer to them.

Sometimes I beat myself up. I tell myself that if only I was more outgoing and more comfortable around people, then maybe I would have people I can call my own.

It really sucks. I feel like I spend the 20 min drive to campus thinking about how much I rather not be here, and when I’m on campus, I think about how lonely I am. I see my loneliness as a result of a defect I have. I attribute every wrong thing that happens in my life to my own shortcoming, always telling myself that if I was better and if I was enough, it would get easier.

Sometimes I feel as if books are my only friends, and even then, I rather choose loneliness because I am scared of getting lost in a world that doesn’t exist. I’m scared of being alone because I don’t know if that’s a choice I’m making or if it’s a choice I’m “forced” to make because it feels like there is no alternative.

I feel so lost. I don’t even know why I’m in college in the first place to begin with.

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If you could read my mind

If you could read my mind, maybe for once in my life, I will have someone that can understand just what it is that drives me insane

If you could read my mind, maybe then you’ll realize just how vulnerable and how scared I am of the things that may come true and of things that may never come true

If you could read my mind, maybe you’ll see why I get so sensitive

If you could read my mind, maybe this wouldn’t be so vague

But truth be told, if you could read my mind, I don’t think you’ll like what you’ll find

It’s a dark place where happiness exist as a rare commodity

It’s a lonely place where the only form of “self-love” is self-harm

And if you could read my mind, maybe you’ll start to understand why

Why loving you is slowly eating me alive

Status

11.21.17 |23:58

There isn’t enough words in the dictionary to describe him

His smile can light up your world and his laughter can fill your heart

There isn’t enough love in the world that could match the love that he gives

Because love is special and he knows exactly how to make you feel special

“There isn’t enough ____ and there will never be enough ____”

But somehow in your heart you know that as long as you have him

it is enough

he is enough

and you are enough

 

Status

11.2.17 | 01:08

i miss you

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i hope

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i’m sorry

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hey

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I don’t even know why I’m writing this to you right now, and I really don’t understand why I do this to myself. I wish I can express to you how I truly feel, and it hurts because I used to be able to tell you everything but now I can’t say a thing. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I wish things could just be simple again, but it won’t. What do I do? What can I do? The answers are all sitting in front of me, loud and clear, yet I feel frozen, stuck in time, stuck in reality, stuck in my mind.

I just wish I could tell you that I

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“How are you feeling? Are you doing aright?”

                                                       -Jenice 1:39am

 

Ice Cream

It’s the feeling you get when you stand in the line for the ice cream truck. The excitement. The anticipation. I, however, never liked ice cream to begin with. The sweet creamy taste only covers the pain you feel underneath. How many people actually get ice cream because they are happy? After all, these sweets will only end up as the fat around your stomach. I just don’t know why people love ice cream so much.

It leaves this bitterness in my mouth every time I eat or speak of it. I never really knew why since the brain freeze will just numb my thoughts and my feelings before I can even start to figure out why. Maybe my dislike for ice cream came from the disappointment you get as you take your final bite. You begin to long for it, yet you know it does not bring you anything but temporary happiness. In the end, it will fade just like how the ice cream will melt away.

I guess I just never liked ice cream to begin with.

Resilience

re·sil·ience
noun
1.
the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
2.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

_________

Yet you are still here, standing. Even at your lowest point, you are still alive, breathing. What has been taken can be reclaimed. What has been learned can be unlearned. This pain you feel is only temporary, but I cannot tell you how long it will last. Yes, we only got ourselves at the end of the day, but we all want to share part of our life with someone special. It is nothing to be ashamed of or to feel bad about. Do not look at it as time wasted. Time was invested. It might not have yield what you wanted, but it yield a lesson that you needed. A lesson to remind yourself to have everything means to have nothing. To have nothing is to have everything. Only when you have little will you start to realize what you need. This is only a process, you are not at the end of the road, but rather the middle of it. Follow through. And maybe along the way, you’ll find a piece of yourself that you haven’t given to someone else. Remember to believe and trust in life. It is going to be hard, but you have someone that believes in you. Me. When you’re ready, believe in yourself, take a step forward, and reclaim your life. And reclaim your happiness that you so truly deserve.