What “love” feels like

Love feels wonderful. It makes you feel like you deserve all the good things in your life despite of your shortcomings. Loves feels inviting. It makes you vulnerable to the people around you that cares and allows you to trust again. Love is limitless. With it, there’s nothing you can’t do. There’s no sky you can’t reach. There’s no dreams that’s too big.

But a love like that has never existed for me.

I thought it did, but most of it was just me being delusional. Most of it was just me hoping that I might mean the world to someone. Or maybe most of it was just my unfortunate luck with those who took advantage of my feelings and my love.

I wish I had at least my family there for me, but truth be told, they were the first to hurt me on so many different levels. And when I tried to find refuge in other people, I was faced with the same pain again. People are cruel. Sometimes people are just a reproduction of what their family have done to them and what their family is like.

Some people don’t understand what a blessing it is to be loved, to be cared for, to matter to someone- especially someone that matters to you. Some people don’t understand how hard it is to be the perfect child and to be happy all the time because you know if you aren’t, it’ll break your family’s heart. So even in the darkest time, you can’t even go to them for comfort. You rather keep up the facade because the pain is easier to bare with than the pain of watching those you love cry.

And I hate that about me sometimes. That I want to run to them crying, but I don’t due to fact that I’m scared. I’m scared because I know if they don’t give me the support I want and need, I will only end up distancing myself from them even more. I’m scared that I’ll have to keep up the act of being a strong person. But if there’s anything I learned in life so far, it’s that even the strongest thing breaks. It’s just a matter of when.

And I’m breaking. My depression erodes away my sanity and my mind, one sadness at a time. And in moments like this, I can’t help but ask myself, “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” I can’t help but scream at the world for making me go through so much. For making me wonder what I ever did to deserve all of this pain.

It just overtakes me. Like a blackhole, sucking me into the void that exists at the bottom of my heart. It’s like I’m trying to walk forward, but I end up cutting off my own leg off cause gods know why? Maybe because I’m a masochistic bitch that just wants to see myself suffer as I try to escape the inevitable.

Maybe it’s because I’m scared that if I move on, there will be nothing waiting for me on the other side. That even then, I will still be empty and still be unloved, and there’s nothing I can ever do to change that. I’m scared that even in my own story, I will continue being the side-character that no one ever pays attention to- that ends up being the bad person every time because I’m misunderstood.

And I’m so tired of being misunderstood by those I care about and love. I’m so tired of being abused by people and having them tell me that it was “love”, that they did it because it was “my fault”, that I made them to do it, that it’s because I wasn’t good enough for make them treat me otherwise.

I’m tired of shouldering other people’s pain and carrying it as my own. I’m just so tired of everything that I cut myself off from my emotions so I could be empty.

I’m tired of having to feel empty in order to not feel pain.

I just want this to stop, but I don’t know how.

My brother once told me that if you hit your bruises over and over again, it will just become numb. And I guess without realizing, I started doing that too. I keep hitting all the bruises people had given me, hoping that maybe one day, I can numb out the pain.

But I wonder, where did their inflicted pain end and where did my self-inflicted pain begin?

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maybe in another world

I woke up today feeling empty again.

Something just isn’t right. Then again, when is things ever right in my life?

I had a dream where I suddenly woke up in this new world after a long day in college. I knew I wanted to escape and disappear from all my problems, but I never thought I would end up somewhere else. It all felt so real. My desire to escape and the place I escaped to. But the more I lingered in the world, the more I started to miss my family, my friends, and my life back in reality.

I was trapped in this world that was ironically being oppressed by an evil witch. She enslaved everyone and took away colors. Everything was black and white, and for some reason, it felt comforting almost that no one had feelings. Everyone was just so monotone and so indifferent. Nothing matter at all. I guess I liked it at first.

But then there was this guy you see. For some reason my arrival to this world was due to his actions. He summoned me here to save everyone. We went on an adventure and completed these missions that gave colors to the people and to the world. We fell in love. It felt like we had known each other our whole life. Like everything was fate’s design- that we were supposed to meet and supposed to fall in love. His brother also embarked on the journey with us, and for the first time in a long time, I felt good. I felt like I had a purpose in life. I felt loved, appreciated, and important to someone. That’s something I don’t even think I have the privilege to feel in my life.

Towards the end of the dream I was in the witch’s mansion, and I confronted her and made a deal with her. If I could get something that was hanging in the middle of the air, she would have to break the spell and set the people free. I knew that there was a whale in the pool of water I jumped in. I knew the whale could throw me mid-air and threw me it did. I caught the hanging object and spell broke free. Soon enough, I saw the colors began to fill into the world and people being set free.

Everyone was in the water now with some people on the floating islands. There were fireworks setting off. It was beautiful. Then the witch came running to the guy that brought me here. We were at one of the islands and up in the hills where the ruins of the old castles were. Apparently they were brothers and sisters too. She started panicking and shouting, “Where is he? You have to find him. You know I didn’t enslaved these people on purpose. He did it. He put me under the spell. He’s trying to get her to kill me. Don’t you see? That’s why he told you to bring her here.”

I overheard them, and something within me thought that I had to be the sacrifice. That my life as it is isn’t enough. That saving everyone was the purpose of my life. So I ran away, shouting to get his attention. He quickly found me and put a rope around my neck, choking me. The siblings soon arrived and shouted at us, mainly to tell me that I don’t need to do this. The love of my life didn’t want me to do this. He kept telling me that maybe who I needed to save wasn’t the people, but myself. That in this journey, I saved myself by being true to my feelings and the feelings of others. That I didn’t need to throw away my life, so that everyone can have theirs.

But I knew I had to. Every fiber of my body knew I had to even though my heart was begging me not to. I wasn’t supposed to be in this world. If I die then the evil old brother can’t use me to kill his sister. If I die then the sister will live and put a spell to restrict her evil brother. If I die then everyone will be saved. So how can I even begin to think that there is an another option than to sacrifice myself? People needed me. The problem is I didn’t realize that I needed me. That the love of my life needed me.

I jumped down the cliff, trying to get the rope untied. My beloved jumped after me, grabbing the rope as his brother let go of it. My hands were holding onto the rope. I remember looking up at him, smiling sadly with tears rolling down my eyes.

“Maybe in an another life. Maybe in another world. We will find each other again. And maybe that time around I’ll get to be yours forever. I will always love you, and I know you will never forget that”

And I let go.

I started falling, but all I can hear was his scream.

Then my eyes open

I woke up

.

I woke up feeling empty today.

Like something has been ripped from my chest. Like someone I loved is missing. And I don’t know how to fill this void.

I want to fill this void. I feel so empty, and I can’t help but wonder why. A part of me keeps thinking that there is somebody that I’m always fated to be with. I always meet “him” in my dreams. Yet fate is so cruel.

We are never meant to be together, at least not in this world.

I wish I can go back to the dream world where I’ve met him multiple times in different contexts, in different characters, and in different dreams. Because I know and I know he knows that we have known each other since forever.

We are like soulmates.

Maybe it’s because we always meet in my dream one way or the other. I just want to go back to my dreams. I just need to go back to my dream. I just wish I can sleep all day. Better yet, I don’t even want to wake up.

If I’m going to wake up, I want to wake up in my dream and see him. I don’t want to wake up and see that there is no one beside me.

It’s too lonely. I can’t handle it.

Maybe he does exist in another world. Maybe he does exist in my world.

But I can’t find him. I don’t even know if he’s trying to find me. I just know that I miss him a lot. And waiting for my soulmate to find me is slowly tearing me apart. I’m not that strong. I need him. I need him to feel complete

.

I’m about to head to bed soon. Maybe I’ll see him in my dreams again.

And if I do, I wonder if I’ll wake up feeling empty tomorrow too.